So very True - Image by Anne Taintor

So very True - Image by Anne Taintor
I would like this on my very own business cards

Friday, April 30, 2010

This is News??!?!!!

NOTE:  This is not related to my job search so I am venting.....Hence the different font.  I think I may start a facebook group about this...

I don't care about the Kardashians.  I have only watched their stupid show one time and even then it was for about 2 minutes before I turned it.  I have an anti-famous-for-being-famous-quirk.  If someone is famous it should be for being really excellent or evil.  Not for being rich or for who your parents are or aren't (Nicole Ritchie, Paris Hilton, dingbat Kardashians).  Regardless of how I feel I was taken aback that this was actually a headline on CNN.  Kim Kardashian actually came out and said "I didn't cause plane stench."  WTF????  Now you have me curious, I will read this drivel because that is the most tarded headline I have EVER seen.  The whole article then goes on to say that someone said she had a burrito in first class and it stunk up the plane.  Apparently it bothered Kim so much she had to set the record straight by saying she hates burritos so it wasn't her.  Don't believe me here is a screen shot and a link to the stupid article

Guess what...I LOVE BURRITOS!!! If I didn't own a pizza business then I would sell burritos.  If they were people, I might even marry them.  That said: If you love burritos you should not like Kim Kardashian because she hates burritos.  'Nuff said!  Kim Kardashian = Anti-burrito = Un-American!!!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I thought it was Wednesday but it is Thursday

Somedays I can tell that I haven't had a job for a long time. Last week I went to license the utility trailer and all I knew was that it was the 20-something of April. Today I was excited because it was hump-day then I realized it is Thursday. Hump-day isn't so much a hump anymore without a real job but it is the little things in life that keep us sane. Right?

There was one promising job in the paper this morning. I rewrote my resume and cover letter for it and promptly submitted it via email. If I tell you what it was for then I will jinx myself so I won't tell anyone what I apply for anymore--not that I really did that often. I am just tired of being asked "Hey, did you get the job as a tic-tac counter? I just love orange tic-tacs." ME: "No." *then I cry*

There were two jobs on Craigslist that I definitly do not want and would not be good at. One is a chef. I am only good at cooking for my family. In a large restaurant I probably wouldn't do so well. I can however make sloppy joes very excellently and hot dogs. I am good at hot dogs. 

There was also a job posted for an assistant woodworker. That is not one I should try. Ever. I am very clumsy. Honestly.  When I worked in Idaho, I got hurt at work so often that my boss forbid me from filing another worker's comp claim. I am serious. 

Once I fell and broke my butt (later I just found out it was only the tail bone but I still tell people that I fell so hard it cracked my butt). Another time I was sitting at my desk and dropped a pencil. Usually not an eventful action for people. For me it was. See, as I was sitting in my chair I bent forwardish rather quickly to pick the pencil up with my very long arms. Only my arm wasn't as long as I thought and I smacked the bridge of my nose on the edge of the desk. I broke my nose. No shit. Sitting right there at a desk job--I got two black eyes and broke my nose. 

Another time we were posting a job site on a very windy day. So windy in fact that when I reached up to pull the hatch down on the back of the vehicle, the wind caught it and that automatic shutting hatch which normally comes down really slow--not so slow in a 40 mile per hour wind. Smash! It came down on my face and cut the skin off my nose. Actually, I just felt it hit my nose and I keeled over and was like "Oh *#!#" (It actually sounded more like the F-word). Then I yelled to my co-worker who was wondering what the hell was going on as I am bent over screaming "I think I broke my nose and it appears to be bleeding."  He says "Let me see."  I uncupped my hands and showed him.  His face=white.  His response "Oh shit!  You didn't just break it, Nikki.  You cut your nose off!"  That is when he gave me his red fleece vest and told me not to look in the mirror.  He was such a good friend.  He took me to the Emergency Room where I was in luck that it was a clean cut and I had my nose flap glued back on.  He even called my husband -then boyfriend- to tell him where I was.  Also, he didn't mind that I had put blood all over his vest.  He was the best kind of co-worker to have.....

So anyway, maybe that would give you a little perspective as to why I don't think I will be applying for the woodworker position.  I drew a picture of how my first day would go.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Promising Job

Ok.  So I lied.  It is not a promising job that I saw posted on Craigslist this morning.  It did make me think and I briefly became creative and had one of those little daydreams in my head where I am off doing something different other than sitting on the couch with my laptop on my knees...  It was for a Graveyard Waitress.   Right away I thought "Who would want to work in the cemetery at night?"  Then I remembered that I am blonde and realized it was for the night shift.  No shit.  That is how my brain works sometimes especially the longer I go without exercising it with a real job that involves thinking and crap like that.  Anyway, here is a picture that I drew of what I thought the job should entail.  I bet this is more fun than the real job since the real job is at the bowling alley.  It is the only 24 hour restaurant we have in town.  It would not really be a fun job since the railroaders and drunks are most likely the only ones to come in that late at night.  But I bet that would make it easier than a busy shift.  However, it would be more fun if it was in the graveyard.  Boo!

Craigslist also has a post by a middle school student who doesn't want to work for money, he wants to work for a dirt bike.  So if anyone has a dirt bike laying around please give it to that kid because he went out of his way to post that and it was probably out of his comfort zone-- because in junior high I was shy and not outgoing like that--I bet he isn't either but he REALLY wants a dirt bike so he is willing to post on craigslist, give up his entire summer, and walk or ride a bike all over town just to do work so he can get a dirt bike.  If I had a dirt bike I would give it to him.  I sure like that kid.  I almost hope he finds a job before I do because I at least get unemployment and this poor kid he gets nothing.  Good luck to you kid.  I hope you find your bike soon!

Monday, April 26, 2010

It's my Anniversary!!!

Most people celebrate anniversaries so I will mark this occasion.  I have officially been unemployed for 3 months today.  Oh joy!  Three months ago I sat under fluorescent lights for 8 hours a day in front of two (yes 2) LCD monitors and answered emails, shuffled papers, designed pretty maps of land use use and park locations and got yelled at often by the general public who doesn't like whatever it is that there neighbor is doing.  Three months ago I did that.  
Fast Forward to April 26, 2010:  I still sit in front of computer for 8 hours a day and answer emails however it is mainly fun now.  I draw pretty pictures in paint.  I use to morph pictures of normal people into pictures of my sister and I visiting far-off places like Niagra Falls.  Sometimes I post on forums.  I update my facebook status a few times a week, I play evony and everyday sort through job postings on Craigslist and apply for those that make more than working at Wendy's (which isn't many here since we have a rather high unemployment rate of 13.2%.  Aargh!).    However, I think that I like my life better now.  I am broke and eligible for public assistance but I am happy.  My boss is myself and I tell me what to do.  Here are some scenarios to compare then versus now:
3 months ago:  Boss says “There is a city council meeting and we need these reports written ASAP and someone will need to give the have 2 hours...GO!”
Now:  It is 11 am and I still haven't taken a shower.  I say “Self, take a shower!”  So I do. Much more relaxed.
3 months ago:  “My neighbor is building a house and their roof is blocking my view of the ski run, please stop him/my neighbor is painting their house blue and it doesn't match the shade of my house, please stop them/my neighbor doesn't mow his yard as much as I want him to, please stop him/I want to sell donuts in a residential area please don't stop me.”
Now:  Me--looking out the window at my neighbor--He is washing his car in his driveway peacefully.  I am watching a rerun of Cold Case.  I am drinking a beer.  This is nice.  No one stops me.

So as you can hopefully see, I am a better boss than my old one as I let myself do nothing really and everything is fun.  I don't get yelled at and if I do, I am in my house so I can yell back.   That feels really good.  I feel more like I have graduated to Neverneverland since I really do whatever I feel like.  This summer is going to be fun!  I do like anniversaries.  Now to celebrate, I am going to have a beer.  Cheers!

*Later, after my celebratory dinner of sloppy joes and strawberry yogurt I shall post a happy drawing to commemorate this occasion.*  **Update:  Here are the pictures that show me then, with a job and now without a job.

Friday, April 23, 2010

How Do You Think They Intended To Use the Word Intercourse?

Today I opened my email and was delighted to see that I had a response from my resume posted on CareerBuilder.  Finally!  Woo-hoo.  Upon close inspection of the email I found I had some lingering questions regarding the possibility to work out of the home so I sent a response email.  I am unsure if I will receive a reply to my inquiry.  I shall keep you posted.  Below is our correspondence.  I have highlighted that area of concern in the original email.  As the email did not have a signature, I sent the correspondence to the name of the person who sent the email. Have a Blessed Day!  *Note: I included screen shots as to verify the validity of this post. 

Dear Nicole 
Sirius Business Research LLC. EU Company is seeking an Operations Contractor. 100% Home Based opportunity is available in April 2010.
The Company renders risk management researches and consulting services for Iron and Steel Industry.

Descriptions include but are not limited to:
  • Cooperate and forwarding client on the Web, by phone or personally
  • Paper trail, records and accounting
  • Continuing education and training
  • Analyzing client's demands and requirements

Wages: $400+/week after short probation period.
  • Verbal and written intercourse skills
  • Computer skills(Internet, Office)

To apply please send this invitation on Dept.
Wagramer Str. 4
Hochhaus Neue Donau
Floor 7, office 708.
1220 Vienna, Austria
Sirius Business Research LLC.

Here is my reply:

Dear Priscilla:
In response to your email of April 23, 2010 I am bit concerned that this may not be a legitimate offer. Please reply to this email so I may verify the validity of your offer. As for the required skills, I have been told I am very adept with intercourse in many different manners including both written and verbal.  Whenever I am away from home I engage in verbal intercourse with my husband via telephone.  Sometimes we communicate in that manner via email.  Is this the skill you are looking for?  If so, I would be very interested if it involves my husband.  If not, then I am not interested in having verbal or written intercourse with anyone else.  I made a vow when I got married to be true to one person. Engaging in intercourse with others appears to void this arrangement.

If your email refers to verbal and written skills pertaining to office correspondence then I do believe I am interested.  Please let me know in which manner you are referencing intercourse.  I do not have any interest in becoming one of those phone operators on a 1-976 phone number even if it is a home based business.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Slave Labor in Montana

During my quest for gainful employment (I call it that because my father always used that term because it means a “real” job and not a wayward kind of summer gig or one that will require you live in your Dad's basement for years) I have followed up on a number of promising postings on craigslist for independent contractor positions.  You know, where I do something for someone because I want to not because my boss is lazy and makes me do it so they can then take the credit for it—that kind of work. 

Back in March I saw an ad that really sparked my interest.  It involved distressed properties and vacant properties.  It was for a Field Inspector and it involved using a digital camera or camera phone and knowledge of how to use the computer and email.  BINGO!  I can do this one for sure.  Plus, I had been researching field inspector jobs because the foreclosure rate is rather high and they are in demand.  (These are the jerks that drive by your house and take pictures so the bank can put the picture on the internet before you have been fully foreclosed, evicted and lost everything—I know, times are tough, I need a job,  Jeez...)  I googled the email, backchecked the company = figured it was legitimate and got the name of the person who posted it and found their picture online too (I have also been looking for jobs as a skip tracer and private dick---I just used the word dick and it wasn't naughty, haha) so I fired off an email to the email listed on the craigslist post. 
Dear Courtney:
I am interested in the posting on Craigslist for a part-time field inspector.  I have a laptop, digital camera and reliable transportation. I also have extensive knowledge of Flathead County and the surrounding areas as I used to perform site visits regularly.   I am a professional land use planner by trade however I was recently laid off due to budget reasons.   I am now working part-time as a land use consultant. 
Attached is a pdf version of my resume.  Although I may appear highly qualified, I truly am interested in any part--time positions that may be available.  I look forward to hearing from you.  I may be reached at my home number of 406-000-0000 on my cell phone at 000-867-5309.

Reflecting back I would not have put the part about the budget cutback BS but if a professional anything is looking for a job at let's say, KFC, one would usually assume that they suck and can't get a real job that have training for or they suck and were fired and I don't suck.  That said, I included it and the thingy about being highly qualified.  Have you seen my resume?  I have not always worked at burrito buses (not that there is anything wrong with it...)

A few days later I get a response and without spending as much time as it took me to write this little story or the earlier email, I erased the idea from my memory.  Actually, it was such a sham deal that I rather forgot about it until I was a running a clean up of the folder where I save all the random doo-doo I find on the internet and remembered that I had saved the webpage and then located the emails here for your enjoyment.  Anyway, blah blah, I am talking too much so here is the response and I will let you decide if I made the right choice with not following up... *Note you don't have to read everything she wrote.  I kinda added some large fonts and crap to point out the stupid parts*

Good afternoon Nikki:
My name is Edwina and I'm the rep coordinator for the state of Montana. Please read the information provide below, and we can talk about what area's you can cover.  Here is some information on the types of work we do and compensation: 
Many of our inspections only require a simple verification of occupancy,a description of the property, and a photo.  With every inspection, you need to determine the condition of the property and the neighborhood,the roof type, the color, the type of property (is it single family,condo, apartment?), construction type (brick, frame, etc) and the number of stories.  It's also very important to note if the property is for sale, and if so, we need the realtor name and phone number.  Sometimes these inspections may include a letter or door tag to leave at the property for the homeowner.
If there is a letter to be delivered to the homeowner it must be left at the property in a sealed envelope. Or, the mortgage company may ask that we leave a call back tag at the property.  This simply provides the mortgage company's name and toll-free number with a request that the mortgagor call them.
We also do insurance loss inspections or Loss Drafts.  This inspection requires you to set an appointment with the homeowner to go out and view and photograph repairs being made to the  property.  
Our company does a wide range of inspections; many not requiring any contact at the property.  We are always looking for good; reliable reps within every community.  
Our company also does Property Preservation to keep each vacant property in good condition and within city codes.  We do things like change locks, remove left over personal property and damaged appliances, winterization and mow lawns just to name a few.  As a rep, you are not required to do both preservation and inspection work, however, they do go hand in hand, and both are integral parts of what we do.

Here are the fees we pay for each type of inspection:
  • Loan Service Report/No Contact 7.50
  • Loan Service Report/With Contact 8.00
  • Property Inspection Only 7.50
  • Rush Property Inspection 15.00
  • Loss Draft 12.00
  • Rush Loss Draft 15.00
  • Commercial Inspection 15.00
  • Rush Commercial Inspection 25.00
*Note: I made the font much larger and red so you could see it easier.   I would also like to point out that these prices are in US dollars not abbreviations for larger denomiations although they could be in pesos since it is such a small amount.  Barely covers for the frickin' gas money in most cases.  Flathead County is over 5,00 square miles in size - it is comparable to the entire state of Connecticut for pete's sake.

We require a 25% discount on any preservation work we assign to you. (What???? They will pay me even less than the dribble they quoted above??? Hello McFly....NO!!!!!)

Please let me know either way if you are interested in joining our team at Wewillscrewyouover (name changed to protect anonnimty of slave labor using company that is not Wal-Mart).  If so, please provide all of your contact information including your mailing address, fax number, all phone numbers where you can be 
reached, and your SSN or Tax ID with company name, whichever you prefer. I look forward to hearing from you.  Have a wonderful day.
I have put together a list of counties I need help in, please let me know what counties you can work. [I edited out the list of what looked like all 56 counties in Montana so you wouldn't have to read them but if you are interested here is a list of all of them alphabetically]
Thank you, 
Edwina [I also omitted her last name and contact info because I don't want crazies on the internet contacting her and telling her they got her number from me.  That's not how I roll...]

Monday, April 19, 2010

Happy Administrative Professionals Week

So apparently this week is "Administrative Professionals Week."  I knew of Secretaries Day and that they changed it to Administrative Assistant Day to be more P.C. in the early 00's but I didn't realize there is now a whole week of celebration.  WOW!  I wonder what offices really do to celebrate all week long?????  

When I was an administrative assistant (very long ago) a coworker told me to get him some coffee.  I told him to screw himself.  He said "What, you are my secretary."  I said "No, I am an Administrative Assistant."  So then he said since I wasn't a secretary and wouldn't fetch his morning cup of joe that he wouldn't buy me flowers for Secretaries Day.  He didn't either but his wife did.  She took the money out of his wallet when she heard what a flippin' tard he was and pitched it into the office pool which provided me with a bouquet of assorted rainbow colored flowers and a very nice lunch out.  Ahhhh, those were the days....

Here is how I would celebrate each day of Administrative Professionals Week if I was employed.  I would show up to work everyday and do my job.  I would also thank my employer on a daily basis for hiring me so that I would have a job and not have to live in my car (I don't really live in my car now but I used to have the greatest boss in the history of mankind and when we would bitch about how someone did us wrong or how work sucked she would remind us that we should be thankful that we had jobs and didn't have to live in our cars--and how right she was too).  I would then make coffee and offer to refill everyone's mugs when they were getting low and maybe even wear one of those server's aprons with the front pockets so I could carry around little packets of sugar, sugar in the raw, splenda, truvia, nutra-sweet (so many kinds because everyone has a differing favorite) and a cornucopia of flavored non-dairy creamers to make everyone that much more happy with their choice in hiring me.  And that is what I would do to celebrate Administrative Professionals Week.  Hire me please.....

My job search continues but it is filled with really simplistic jobs that even my 14 year old is over-qualified to do and would probably quit because it makes more money to be on unemployment.  I saw an advertisement for a retail greeter.  I don't think I am old enough to do that and plus I might not be very good at that.  I don't like to meet new people.  

I also saw a very interesting prospect on Craigslist this weekend and I may look into but I have some reservations.  You see, I prefer quiet.  I don't really like loud that much and you know that I don't like stupid typos and noob users of computers and the like.  Anyway, this job could be promising because it is for a Fortune 500 company (or so says the ad).  The problem with the ad is that it is in ALL CAPS AND THAT MAKES ME AFRAID THAT THEY WILL SCREAM EVERYTHING AND I WON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE THERE and they said it was an Echo-friendly company which worries me because then all that yelling they do will just echo back and forth and what if it is in a very solid building where those sounds just reverb all day long from the yelling.  My tummy is starting to hurt thinking about it and I am now getting anxiety from it.....I really hope that they meant it was an Eco-friendly company because I like recycling and earth-friendly alternatives.  I also think it might be a good fit for me because much like myself, this company obviously enjoys using run-on sentences.  Here is that posting:

Happy Administrative Professionals Week to you and your friends who are lucky enough to have jobs and not sleep in your car.....

Sunday, April 18, 2010


In the words of Ace Ventura, I feel like a loser.  I finally got a rejection follow-up but this time it was not an oompa-loompa that got the job.  I'm not really sure who it was but it must have been someone awesomer than I am who was willing to work for banana peels or tuna fish instead of actual cashola.  When an interviewer asks what salary you made in your former position and then goes into convulsions and the EMT's run in and use a D-fib on them to resurrect them before continuing the interview—probably not going to get that job.   Again, I shall reiterate.  I used to have a good job and used to make a decent salary that reflected my nerdiness in college: dean's list, top 100-sophomore, outstanding junior in my college, meritorious achievement award and scholarship senior year and the usual honor societies that brainiacs partake in while undergoing their quest for higher education.   I also did this while working and raising a kid.  I was an over-achiever.  My jobs have reflected that.  I am no longer an over-achiever.  I am now a slacker who sits forlorn at the keyboard, my fingers poised to type, wiping back yet another tear of sorrow with my shirt sleeve as I pretend that I am preparing office correspondence.  Sometimes I pretend my 8-year old** is the boss and transcribe everything he says like my life depended on it.  I am getting good with the dictation.  Unfortunately, the result of this tarded game usually looks like this:

I like ham.  I like cheese.  John Cena is the best.  When I grow up I am going to be John Cena.  Well, not BE John Cena but be cool like him and we are going to be the winners of the WWE and the Undertaker is going to cry because we are going to beat him too.  I will be the champion.  And then, I am going to beat Chuck Norris because one time Mom you said he was the best in the world and too cool to die and that is why Bruce Lee is no longer the coolest and best and so I am going to push Chuck Norris out of the way because when I am a grown-up he will be really old and I will beat him.  Can I jump on the trampoline wearing my pirate outfit?  Are there any juice boxes?  I like cheese.  Have you heard my new beatbox I made up last night in the shower?  Do I have to clean my room?  Ba-boom! (At this point he has usually stopped talking and commenced to throwing around his stuffed animals in body slams against my furniture.  He will usually stop the blabbering at me for about 10 minutes before he forgets he is bored and then will begin the verbal assault and animal battery again.)

The most amazing thing about this rejection letter is it came via email.  WOW!  Very 21st century.  I feel like Spock.  The worst part about it: I had followed up with thank you bullshit letter and even a follow-up call a week ago since I hadn't heard anything.  They never responded.  They used the robot-drone to respond a week after my call.  Jerks.  Still wish I had the job cuz then I wouldn't be unemployed anymore unless, of course, that the job really did pay in peanuts or tuna fish.  In which case I wouldn't want that job anyway as I shouldn't eat too many nuts and I am allergic to fish.

**This is the picture of my son that I drew last night to amuse him.  Mostly I did because he was annoying me and I wanted him to stop.  Not too shabby....He knew it was him right away except for the purple shirt.  That part I did to annoy him.  That is another skill I have--annoying people and fancy computer MS Pain skills (or lack there of, dare ya to do  better).

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Rejection Letter

Since no one apparently feels the need to send out rejection letters (which used to be common place prior to the recession but now there are so many people looking for work employers have decided to be arse-holes and stopped providing such polite correspondence) I have created a standard template available for mass distribution.  If you would like a copy of the letter as a MS Word or Works document, pdf or OpenOffice format please let me know and I will gladly email it to you as an attachment.  Thank you and have a blessed day.
Dear Nikki (Or Whomever Else This Is Being Sent To):
Thank you for taking the time to apply for the position to work for our crappy organization.  Although we are rather sure you could perform the job with the utmost attention to detail and above and beyond all of our imaginations' desires we have decided not to hire you due to the following reason(s): *Circle the corresponding reason that the person will remain unemployed*

  • You are smarter than the boss and he/she has an inferiority complex and they can not hire someone as qualified as yourself.
  • This company only hires people with shitty work habits and horrible interpersonal relational skills (DMV, Tech Support Places, Hospitals, Billing Centers).
  • There was a smudge on your resume and/or cover letter and we fear it may be a booger.  It grossed us out so we can not entertain the idea of hiring you since we won't touch your application materials and burned them.  We got your information from the return address on the envelope.
  • There were typos in your application materials.
  • There were no typos in your application materials.
  • There was nothing wrong with your application materials and it made us scared that we all might have to work harder to keep up with someone that is over-qualified and rocks (such as yourself).
  • We suck and we like to suck so we will stay sucky by not hiring you.
  • You are too tall/short/fat/skinny/blonde/sun-burnt/curly-haired/happy/smelly/talkative/quiet/loud/       (other reason)to fit into our office dynamics.
  • We only hire oompa-loompas.
  • When we said we were hiring we only posted it because by law we had too.  There was already a pre-qualified candidate named the Boss's daughter/son.
  • We hired your mother.
  • We no longer have the funds to support this position, it was unfilled so long that we lost business and now we are closing. 
  • Someone else beat you to the punch and they work for recycled paper and drink yesterday's cold coffee.  It will save money in the long run.
  • Someone else applied and had sex with the human resources manager to be guaranteed a job.
  • It was just fun to mess with your head, waste your time and get your hopes up.  You suck.  Kill yourself.  
  • You will never find a good job unless you work for a parade and pick up poop after the horses; or work for a circus and pick up poop from the dirty elephants and dancing horses; or at the zoo and clean up poop that the gorillas throw over the fence.  You are poop.

We appreciate your interest in our company and will keep your resume on file for future positions or to make us laugh when we are bored.


I.M. Fullacrap
President/Boss/Director/Shithead that didn't hire you

Somewhat Related to My Job Search But Mostly Why I Haven't Found a Job Yet

I have mentioned a time or two as to how discouraged I am about the availability of decent paying jobs or for things other than surrogacy, egg donation and direct-selling scams.  I read an article about the county planning department and how they are not renewing the contract for the director position.  I shall post the alarming section here:

 It goes to show that I am not alone.  The planning department at Flathead County has been reduced from 13 to 7.5 in the last year.  The county planning director's job is not going to be renewed and they may get rid of the assistance director position.  While this is very sad for those involved, it provides a sense of balance for me.  I am now rather sure that the lack of good jobs and no response from employers after submitting applications is due to other professionals like me who are competing (and there are so many of us that employers don't need to submit such niceties like rejection letters or follow-calls).  I guess this has become a contest amongst peers.   I shall win it.   I might have to win it by getting a job at a day spa or helping a friend fold sheets and bedding at a resort on Friday afternoons in May ***wait, I am doing that already but it is just to help her out and not really my job*** but I will win.......

Here is a link to the article on the Flathead Beacon:

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Skills I Don't Possess for a Job That I Don't Want

I noticed an ad in the Daily Interlake today stating that Hammer Nutrition is hiring.  Upon visiting their webpage I realized a few things: 

  1. I probably don't want to apply as it only pays $10 an hour to take phone orders and I made more than that when I worked in Seattle as a phone operator at a college in 1995 (I made $2 more than that an hour to be precise)
  2. They want someone who can type 80 words per minute and require a typing test (see earlier posting about typing speeds).  Holy Crap!   80 words per minute!  I can only type 67 words per minute and I went to a technical college. I never thought I would see the day someone actually has a minimum typing speed but pays a minimum amount.  Do they think that most people can amass a typing speed of that caliber without any formal training?  Also, it requires dedication that $10 an hour probably wouldn't attract most of the people that type that fast have computer skills and are looking for something more like real jobs.  Maybe they should also recruit texters. Matter of fact, I think some of the kids that work at the pizza place for my husband could qualify as they don't really work.  All they do is text each.  They don't even answer their phones.  They just text.  Sometimes, they don't even make pizzas because they text.  Sometimes I want to stomp on their cell phones so they stop texting.  Yes, I think texting is a better gauge of typing ability because it involves complex thinking skills for relational matters between letters and numbers.  Maybe I will tell them to apply to so I can work for my husband instead of them...
  3. Hammer Nutrition must have high ideals because another job posting I saw a few weeks ago also said that it wanted people who were in-shape.  It more or less said they wanted applicants that reflect the lifestyle that they cater too.  They might as well have posted a sign that said "NO FATTIES."    Jerks.  I like to eat.  Maybe I would like their nutritional supplements and nutri-grain bars.  Who better to estimate that than some one with a few extra pounds on them.  Duh.... I didn't become un-skinny because I hate food and calories.  It was actually quite the opposite.  Maybe I should point out that that is discrimination. I heard that people can receive unemployment for being overweight. I am not to the point of requiring an electric scooter-cart at the grocery store.  I can walk across the room and up the stairs without being out of breath.  I can walk a few miles without complaining too much. I am just lazy and would rather play on my laptop and read than work-out.  (I am trying to change that although losing my health insurance when I lost my job f'ed me up because I can't go see a doctor now about that muscle in my leg that I ripped due to bad shoes--therefore I can't walk very far each day right now otherwise I end up hopping on one leg until I get home cuz I can't put any weight on my right foot when I "push" off with toes.  I have to walk like I had a stroke or a numbing solution added to my right leg, the best way to describe it is how Frakenstein walks.)
  4. Hammer used to employ a kid that worked for my husband.  That kid was a sloth. He didn't move fast and he didn't speak fast and he didn't do anything fast except steal (he and his brother were quite good at that).  If they hired him then why would I want to work there?  Not really the reflection of a highly selective environment.
  5. I have talked myself out of this job.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Clearing the Air...

Captain's Log:  Week 10, day 5--
I have been officially unemployed for over two and 1/2 months.  I am out here flailing around in unchartered territory.  Others may have visited this area before but they have left no trail behind to help guide me in my exploration. I am not sure how to find my way out.  I was told to apply for jobs and interview.  There are not many jobs out there besides jobs that I would accept only to bide away my time while still looking for other jobs (see earlier post about that, week 1 I believe).  I have been applying  numerous times a week and still it does not appear there is an end in sight.  Oxygen levels are decreasing and I believe my brain may be shrinking due to the lack of stimulation other than reading comics, playing evony and updating my status on facebook.  Afraid it can not last much longer...Need job...Help.  Must have job...
Wondering if my job search is being stymied by an offensive odor mysteriously attached to my application materials.  Much like that time I sent a letter to my boyfriend while he was at basic training and my younger sister thought he must miss me so she took the letter from the mailbox after I put it in there with the flag up and then she sprayed it with like a half-gallon of Aspen perfume (this was in 1991 mind you).  When the letter arrived at the barracks he had to read it and then discard it since it stunk up the sleeping quarters.  They also gave him a new nickname because of it.  I believe they called him Stinky or something much more offensive after that.  I was always afraid to ask what nickname they gave to me after that debacle.  My sister did confess after he asked me to not spray my letters with perfume and I was unsure what he meant.  Has my sister again been lurking around and doing this again?  Maybe this time she is using that fart-smelling air freshener my teenage son has a joke.  Also, how is she attaching that smell to my emails as most of the applications are electronic?  Curious and curiouser...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Ding Dong..Avon Calling

My daily dose of spam job openings included six, count em, six job postings from Avon in one email from Monster this morning.  How delightful.  I go to college, work my butt off and the best fit I can get for 17 years of administrative and professional experience is as an Avon Lady.  What has the economy come to?

I have nothing against Avon Ladies Representatives (to be politically correct) I just don't believe it would be the best fit.  Besides, I wouldn't want to put my friends out of business.  I have 2 friends, a cousin and an aunt who sell Avon.  

However, this does present me with a research project.  I shall now start researching which direct sales company provides the best consultant benefits for compensation, discounts, incentives and product diversity.  I will pretend it is my job for the week. That will keep me busy along with trying to find a new house to rent, cleaning up this house, packing this house into boxes and moving those boxes into storage while I look for a different house to move into.  I am sure I can find time somewhere. 

The one thing about having all this free time is I don't really feel like I have any free time.  Most of it seems relegated to other tasks such as dishes, laundry, working at the business with my husband and spending hours a day on job searches and reading materials to stay current in my field since I am not practicing on a daily basis anymore.  Off to work I go....

Here is the email I received with 6 Avon postings.  I wasn't making that up.  I would never have been clever enough to make a joke like that:

Monday, April 5, 2010

Still No Luck But This Job Says YUCK!

I am still looking, and looking, and looking, and....Nothing promising yet.  This morning I saw a rather interesting job that I classified right away as disgusting and gross.  I understand the job has merits as it is for a remover of eyeballs for cornea transplants but I could NEVER do it.  I think I would pee my pants or go into a catatonic state the first time I even attempted to remove tissue from a cadaver.  *Chills thinking about it*  Anyway, here is the listing from Craigslist so you can be sure I wasn't making this one up.  I read it with my own two eyes...LOL.  You'll have to click on it to make it bigger because you have to see it to believe it. 

Saturday, April 3, 2010

More Fake Job Offers

Prior to this job search I thought that spam was limited to get rich quick schemes and sending money to Nigeria. Apparently, it also applies to those who post their resumes on and  What a sad, sad day it is for those of us who really want to work.  How many people get reeled into these scams and end up becoming insurance salespeople?  I am almost curious to respond to one of these but my desire to sell insurance is not there at all.  Plus, if it is legitimate I would have received a personal email or even a phone call not a mass-produced pretend letter of interest.  This is just so wrong.  If the insurance industry really needs people why don't they post the supposed job openings in the newspaper or on craigslist?  *Sigh*  
Now, I am beginning to doubt that anyone can actually find a real job using careerbuilder or monsterjobs.  If you know of anyone who has actually received jobs through these sites please let me know.  I am about to relegate them to the junk email folder for fake earning money sites such as daily surveys and mystery shopper jobs....

These are some of the emails I have received where people pretend to be interested in me.  I feel like the girl out with her friends at the bar stuck with the left over guy who is only there because his best friend is hooking up with your best friend-- so you have to stay with them only you don't want anything to do with their friend --so both of you pretend you are interested in each other even though there is no way in hell either of you will ever hook up or have anything in common and it will never go anywhere....  Aargh!

Friday, April 2, 2010

OMG! A Real Job for Real Money??? NO Way!!!!

I received a poorly written phishing email which had presented itself as a job offer.  The email contained many errors.  I felt it was my duty to inform Jane (the fake women who sent me the email) that her communication skills were lacking and a well-planned successful scam would utilize proper grammar and spelling in order to achieve maximize returns.  Below is a copy of the email I received and my response to her.  I hope I hear back from them.  It sounds like a very fun place to work.  By the way, I am available for your proofreading and editing needs as well.  Have a Bless Day!


Dear Jane:

While I am not interested in being part of your corporate team as a Payment Processing Manager, I am interested in working as a independent proofreader.  Your email had numerous errors and reads as if it was written by the same poor 3rd world worker with basic English skills who translates directions for assembling shelving units and the like.

Below are the items that I feel you should change if you would like your phishing scam letter to have a higher response rate.  This heightened response rate will bring you increased revenue while stealing from people.

  1. Do not start with "Real Job for Real Money" in the subject line.  Most rational people assume that "real jobs" will not pay with monopoly money.
  2. Third Sentence reads "Do you know what does it entail?"  The grammatically correct sentence would read "Do you know what it entails," or "Do you know what all it entails?".
  3. No one would phrase a statement with incorrect tenses such as "It's empower business...".
  4. Where the base salary is mentioned there should be a space inserted between 30 and days.
  5. It should read "No need to pay" not "No needs to pay."
  6. The closing remark should be written to state "Have a blessed day" not "Have a bless day."
I charge $35 an hour for my proofreading work with a minimum of one hour for all jobs.  This first interaction has been a courtesy consult and no fee is being charged at this time.  

I look forward to working with you in the future.  Have a blessed day.

Best Regards,


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Zilch, Zero, Zip

How is it possible that there are no decent jobs out there?  Certainly with unemployment this high, good employers realize that now is the time to fire sucky employees and hire really good ones to replace them for lower wages.  You know what I mean too.  Everyone has worked with that person who made the other co-workers wonder how that person every possibly got hired.  Who did they know?  Who did they do? The irony...

I am still searching diligently however this week the only new jobs have been for cleaning positions or bill collectors.  I most definitely do not want to be a bill collector.  I do not like them.  At all.  As for a hotel cleaner, no.  House cleaner, no.  I don't even like to clean my own home.  Although, if I was guaranteed a killer vacuum like the one shown I may consider it...

I did have an interview this week and I think it went positively.  It is hard to gauge that sometimes as I have never really had to interview.  I have been rather lucky that way.  My first job was found after 2 interviews that was 17 years ago.  I then transferred departments and didn't have to interview for subsequent positions there.  They just asked me if I would like to have a better job.  I said yes.  

Then I moved to Idaho.  That was some slim pickins back then.  I remember that was frustrating.  I didn't really look that hard. I was only actively searching for a month or so with maybe 3 interviews before I found the next job.  I had a typing test.  I remember that part.  I had to format a letter that had errors.  I passed.  I got the job.  Then after 3 years I left that full-time job to go to college.  The department head of another department asked me to work for him part-time while I went to college.   So I did.  I graduated college.   They gave me a better job.  Then another better job opened up there.  This is how that interview went "Do you want the job, if so, it is yours.  You have 24 hours to let me know."  I said yes.  

After a few years of that I decided it was time to move.  I went on-line and looked up the flathead valley and happened to find the job listing for my job that I just lost due to budget cuts.  I applied. I interviewed.  I got the job.  It was the only job I applied for at that time.    Now I am looking again.  I sure hope it gets easier soon.  I am not digging the interviewing part of the job search.  I am always afraid I will do something embarrassing like that dreaded feeling on a date when you accidentally fart....