In Which I Get a Job that I like!!!!

I have undergone quite the transformation in the past year and half.  I went from a highly professional job where I was valued for my knowledge and treated in high regards to some very different types of positions.  [It is funny when I think back to it.  Sometimes I remember events and for some reason everyone in my head speaks with an English accent and sometimes I am wearing a wig like George Washington.  Ok, so that is when I have dreams about my old job but still...it is kinda odd don't ya think, chap?  End Rant Here.]  I was a pizza delivery driver, pizza maker, house keeper and finally an overqualified butt wiper.  I know my last job wasn't really all butt-wiping but it was the part that I had NO IDEA about before I had accepted it.  Granted, it was only when I had to work the floor or as a last resort, but just not my cup of tea (see, the English thing again).

Overall the dynamics where I worked for 9 months were not ideal.  Many times I felt like Lloyd in Dumb & Dumber (*Note, to truly understand the torment please click on that link).  I could go on and on and I am sure over time I will post little snippets of the hellish ordeal but for now I am trying to remove it from my memory and focus on the good.  Which is why I am writing in the first place and it brings us full circle to one year ago........

Last year I interviewed for a position that I knew I could totally do and was offered the job in a round-about way.  They basically said they couldn't afford me.  They said what they could offer and I agreed with them because at that time, my naivety about how dire the job market would become was unfathomable.  I was still expecting to find a job that made within $5 and hour of what I had been making.  So needless to say, I went on my merry way and continued to drudge forward through unemployment for another 6 months {Rant--my husband continually said "I told you to accept that other job" whenever I complained about the job I had accepted. Rant ends here}.

Fast forward 13 months later: While perusing through Craigslist I spied the same job that I had turned down last year!!!!!   No way!  Could it be?!?!  Since I had accepted the other job and "settled" for a lower salary that was commensurate with what they had offered me I wondered if I should go for it.  When I told my husband about it his response was "I told you to accept it last year!"  So I contacted them and told them my situation: the past year was pure hell and I had kicked myself for not accepting it before and I GOT THE JOB!!!!  That simple!!!!!!  Holy buckets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started at the new job about two weeks ago.  It is a job I can do.  It is a job that makes me happy.  It is a job where I am appreciated.  It is a job where I am no longer on call, ever!!  I can have nights and weekends and holidays free!  I can go out of town.  I can drink too many beers and not get a call that someone is sick or didn't show up or there is a major crisis that I can't deal with because I got my beers on.  I can take the kids to school in the morning and then go to work.  I can leave for a full hour at lunch and take my husband to work and not have to check out and let someone know I am leaving the premise on my own time.  Pay dirt baby!!!!

My new job is administrative--the kind of crap that I did before I went to college.  However, my experiences elsewhere have come in handy and I am actually highly-qualified!!!!!!!!!  My desk is behind a large counter.  You can't even see my head when you walk in unless I really sit up to peer over the ledge.  It is my happy place.  My very own happy place and I can't think of anywhere I would rather be from 8:30 - 5 pm, Monday through Friday.  Woot! Woot!

Week 1: Life is Good

Losing my job: Sucked.

Being unemployed for 6 months:  Worth it

This week I began my gainful employment with a company who shall remain unnamed unless you know me personally and then I will whisper it to you because I prefer not to say on the internet--now people actually search the web to see what their employees do/say/print/post/blah blah.  Must maintain mysteriousness.  So anyway, my new job = awesome.  I love it so far!!!!!!!  The best part = smiles.  I get to smile often.  I am expected to smile at people.  People smile at me.  Life is good.  Flowers and smiling are my two favorite things.  The only way to up this one is by working in a smiling flower shop.  Not gonna happen due to my stupid allergies.

I am still keeping an eye on job openings.  There are some promising ones in the planning field but I would rather be run over by a truck with a steamroller following behind it than be a planning director.  I now realize how  unfun planning can be.  The best thing that happened to me in a long time was being laid off.  I have my garden, a clean organized house, read books, went camping, swimming, shopping, walking but no singing because that requires karaoke and karaoke requires really being liquored up....

This weeks scam job:  One dorky get rich quick ad caught my eye so I went to it.  I clicked on it because the picture for it was a dumb looking dipwad with two thumbs up and he was super excited.  Upon further examination, I am confident he was also high on cocaine as no one can be that happy without illegal drugs or really heavy anti-despressants.... Since it is a scam, it must be illegal.  When I looked at the idiot's picture I drew a parallel to the Fonz which I jotted down on the screen shot.  After that....I realized it was more reminiscent of Steve-o's tattoo of himself.   Definitely not a way to make money in my book.  Looking/acting like a poser usual ends up badly....

The Fonz is cool

Steve-o's dumb-o tattoo
He is still cooler than the dorky stock investment guy....

In Which I Get a Job - for real this time!!!!

After 6 frustrating months--2 weeks left until my unemployment money runs out--I received a decent job offer, which I happily accepted.  The job is not in the planning field.  Not even close.  It is actually one that may bring personal happiness through work.  I am looking forward to that.  It is a social work type job with an assisted living facility.  I like people.  I like problem solving.  This is the best of both. Hopefully it works out well and I won't have to be unemployed like this again.  While I did enjoy not working during the summer months, having plenty of free time, having a clean house and sleeping in each morning; the overall lack of money really sucked.  If I have to work in order to afford the basic necessities then at least I can work with something that provides some enjoyment.  

Granted it doesn't come close to what I have made hourly in the last 10 years either but I can work my way up and the freedom, flexibility and reliability are worth it.  Additionally, my friend (whose job I am filling because she quit to fulfill her dreams--and I wish her luck because that takes balls) says it is a wonderful place to work and she absolutely loved it.  I trust her because she is the most straight forward person I have ever met and if it were a crap-hole full of nasty politics and unhappiness like the last black hole of ectoplasam where we worked together, she would have told me and she would have worded it like a sailor and there would be no mistaking how she felt about it.  It was on her glowing recommendation that I even applied for it.  So props to you, Mare, you rock!  Hope you succeed in the next endeavor because I don't plan on giving you your job back should you want it again :)

What I learned:  I had no luck applying for jobs on craigslist.  Yahoo! Jobs, Monster and CareerBuilder all seem to be shams.  No luck ever--only scam jobs or job listings ripped from other sources.  In the end, good old fashioned job service proved to be one of two viable sources.  The other source was usajobs.gov.  I found a contract position through it however I don't want to move so that offer wasn't accepted.  

Finding work this late in the game was stressful.  I wasn't sure what I was going to do beyond August.  At least the feds approved the extension of unemployment so technically I could have received another 33 weeks of unemployment but still, it is not enough to live.  I will be happy to no longer qualify for food stamps.  I will be happy to have benefits.  I will be happy to a have job.   Now that I cashed in my retirement, I can go shopping so I can have nice new clothes for my nice new job.  Woot!  Woot!  Now that is also something to be happy about.

I AM A ROBOT....

Lately I feel like a robot.  Honestly, I find myself speaking all mono-syllabic and moving hurky-jerky style.  I feel as if I lost the up in my giddy-up and I am locked in the ho-hum hum-drum of unemployment.  This totally sucks!  Five months and counting.  I have created a routine and I am rather sure I have mentioned my routine in earlier posts but I am too lazy to re-read it looking for it to link to it.  Robots don't do things like that.  They only do what is in their routines and what they are programmed to do.  I am programmed to get up, read the paper, look for jobs, apply for jobs, clean the house, do laundry, go to work with my husband, make pizzas, deliver the pizzas, come home, look at Facebook, fold the laundry I put in the dryer before the leaving the house, empty the dishwasher, watch a rerun of  "Cold Case" and fall asleep.  Then repeat.  


I wish someone would push reboot or reprogram me to do something different.  Last week I did do other things but even those other things were work like mowing the lawn, weeding the flower bed, raking, waxing the floor and unpacking those boxes of weird shit I can't figure out where it goes but I know I have to keep it.  Aaargh.  I want to enjoy summer but summer enjoyment apparently equals money which one earns by working outside the home which is what I don't do and in my job with my husband--it is unpaid so the business doesn't have to pay someone else, so what fun is that?  


I think I may have a nervous breakdown and start beeping like Silas does when he is nervous.  For example:  First day of school,  "Hi.  I am your new teacher.  What is your name?"  "Beep." *Me* "His name is Silas."  "Oh, welcome Silas.  Let us find your desk.  You are sitting next to Libby.  Do you know Libby?"  *Him* "Beep."  "Well, you must be a little nervous.  That is ok.  Second grade is going to be fun.  What is your favorite sport?"  *Him* "Beep."  I finally left him at his desk even though he didn't stop beeping.  He always stops eventually.


Robots get stuck in routines because that is what they are made to do.  Not me.  If I am stuck in a routine I want compensated for it.  Here are somethings I would like to be paid for:  working and working.  I am good at working.  Mother f***er.  Beep.  Does not compute.  Does not compute.  Beep. Beep. Beep.

Just Whistle While You Work

Looking for a job is like waiting for my floor to dry after using Orange-glo. I enjoy the after effects of Orange-glo--the shininess of the floor reflecting the sunlight from the windows and the pleasant fake orange smell that lingers for a day or so. It is the waiting for it to be done part that drives me crazy. Inevitably I find myself in some desperate need to re-enter the kitchen early to retrieve something that I forget. If I give in, it is all for not and I must redo the floor within a few days. Blah! If I just sit and wait and let it cure then I can enjoy my handwork.


When I get antsy to apply for a job that pops up and hastily prepare my letter of application and materials, I can include some stupid mistake that could have been prevented if I would have just let it follow the usual course and took my time. That typo or omission is like the footprint I leave in the not-yet-dry-still-tacky orange-glo: it is there for all to see. Not only do I have to redo the floor but the errors in applications drag this waiting process onwards.


I have thought about hiring a maid since housework sucks. I can afford one right after I can afford a resume service to market my resume which will land me a new job. Until then, a little bit of elbow grease, plenty of orange-glo and a lot of waiting is the way to go.

Striking Gold

Wowsers.  I struck it rich on Craigslist today.  After a very long dry spell of any amusing job postings, I found two this morning-- ripe and ready for the picking.  La-di-da!

First up is a continuation of our old friend, Edwina, and her property preservation request.  I have no doubt that this has been posted by the same bottom feeders willing to pay a whopping $7.50 for a site visit!  (Gas is $2.89 a gallon right now, barely covers gas.  Idiots.....)  Funniest part is how they ended their posting:  "If you are insured, and honest, we should talk," as opposed to "If you don't have your own worker's comp policy and are a liar..."  Der....  That "we should talk" part should be a red flag that this is not the most genuine posting.  Maybe they should have ended it with "Lets do lunch, dahhhhling," in order to have a higher response rate since only a newb job hunter would respond to this one and, hey, free lunch!

Second idiot posting of the day comes to us from Sarah and Kent who feel that they have discovered the key to success and happiness and therefore must advertise it on Craigslist instead of late night infomercials.  They begin their post with an extremely annoying headline:  "Do you desire a change?"  Answer:  "No, I just look for jobs because I enjoy it."  "No, I just peruse job postings as a way of making myself feel better since I already have a job and want to laugh at the lack of good jobs available."  Why would they include that rhetorical question as their lead-in!?!?!?!  Of course I want change!!!!! Why would I be reading wanted ads online if I wanted to stay all caught up in the usual rigmarole of being unemployed.   For gods sakes alive!  This just really annoyed me but not as much as when I visited the website.  The website was so bad and I became so frustrated by the ambiguous phrases hinting towards financial freedom that I couldn't even post a screen shot here.  It made me so disgusted that I vurped.  I then took some Tums and only posted a screen shot of the ad.  Aaargh!!!!!!!!!

I am not sure if it is the weather, the moon cycle, my female cycle or the fact that I am entering into my 5th (yep, that is right) 5th f'in month of unemployment that is making me sound more like Maxine in those grouchy cartoons than sounding like myself (see dumb cartoon below).  I am also getting so distraught with my lack of leads that becoming an alcoholic or collecting disability pay for doing nothing is becoming more appealing by the minute.  If you are an alcoholic there are recovery services available for you and they will help you find a job if you go into "recovery."  If you are disabled, you can either get free schooling to be retrained or just collect money each month from your mailbox job.  You don't really have to be disabled in the usual manner of loosing body parts either.  You can just have a mental illness.  Mine is unemployment.  It is driving me crazy.  Grrrrr again.

Welcome to Wal-mart where we only hire people who aren't you (as in me)

I have officially hit a new low in my job quest.  I am unemployable as a greeter.  I have to admit that it is true now that I have been turned down by Wal-mart.  Yep.  I was.  I can't believe it.  I feel like a tard.  It was the same feeling I had in college when my perfect 4.0 GPA (yeah, I was an over-achiever then) was marred with my first B.  I remember that I felt as if the world was ending.  The worst part was that my family laughed at me--much like my husband laughed when I told him I didn't make the cut for the Wal-mart job.  (I will say in my family's defense that they laughed at me because that B was issued in an art class, pottery nonetheless.  I sucked at pottery.)  I guess I suck at greeting people, being rude and dismissive and chasing carts, much like the people at Walmart except they get hired to do it.  

I suppose I will have to keep looking.  On the bright side, I didn't receive a rejection from Safeway (yet).    

Gottcha Where I Wantcha....

On Friday, while working at my condo-stripping job I was reminded of a series of horribly stupid, long-winded jokes that we used to tell as children.  Maybe you remember them.  The jokes all center around people staying in a hotel and checking out early based on scary voices they hear chanting mantras such as "Gottcha Where I Wantcha, Now I'm Gonna Eatcha," or "When the log rolls over we will die, we will die."  Usually a brave person tracks down the source which ends up to be an old women in a closet holding a bloody booger on her finger or a bunch of talking flies sitting on a turd that was left in the toilet.  Not the best jokes but they were funny to a 7 year old.  The funniest part is why my temporary job on Fridays cleaning hotel rooms would remind me of fodder that is embedded in my mind from almost 30 years ago.  Any guesses as to why??  Honestly, the truth would make you barf.....No pictures associated with this post.  I am still too busy trying not to vomit little bits in my mouth in order to draw what I have witnessed.


Note to Self:  While staying at hotels or resort, be sure to bring ample kleenex and not to use the bed sheets as tissue paper especially while suffering from bloody sinus pressure.  *Barf*  Don't get me started on the toilets again....  

Hungry for Money????? This job is for you.

I saw an interesting post on Craigslist for a job that was titled Financial Sales.  When I clicked on the posting I was not really surprised to see what I consider most likely a scam type job.  There seems to be quite a few scam jobs listed at any one time.  The dead give-aways for scam jobs almost always utilize the word "self-starter" and/or "motivated."  This job didn't require motivation just a self-starter for selling something to public companies as opposed to private companies.  Not sure of the difference.  The other interesting thing about this particular post is they only want to hire a hungry person.  I am unclear whether they are referring to hungry for knowledge, work, money or food or if they mean all of those.... Hungry is not typically a word used in job postings unless the position is for a professional eater, food taster or restaurant mystery shopper.   For some reason it reminds of "Angry for Coins" with Coinbird  (which I still think is the most brilliant piece of crapanimation on the web--shout out to Will Smith, one of the funniest people I have ever met).  Also,  if they want hungry people I would recommend tacking the posting up on the bulletin boards at Weight Watchers meetings or churches where they have those TOPS meetings as well.   There are probably many hungry people at those diet meeting centers.....

Overall, this job posting does include the usual descriptive terminology one would list in a legitimate advertisement--yet it still reeks of direct sales such as Amway, Quixstar, Avon or Tupperware.  I am not clear which of those direct sales companies would be marketing public companies so maybe there is a new one that sells pens and pencils, printers, paper or other happy and interesting office supplies that will make your life that much easier with things you didn't know you needed before you purchased them.  The posting also uses double spacing between sentences which is a plus.  It lacked commas and hyphens where I feel they should be included.  The posting also leaves out pertinent information for contacting the poster other than the blind email and omits hours of operation or status as full-time or part-time.  I would grade this posting as a "B".  Good job poster.  This is a better than average scam job posting.

Jedi Knight or Knight of the Sith?

Every once in a while you come to a fork in the road and you must choose the path you will take: the high road, the low road, the one less traveled, blah, blah, blah....I arrived at that fork today and I am still not sure which way I will go.  If anyone pulls up behind me, please just honk and I will pull over to the side so you can go around me.

I went out to lunch with some friends.  While we were leaving I saw an acquaintance who works in the real estate business.  We chit-chatted for a moment about my lack of gainful unemployment and my side jobs as a pizza delivery driver and stripper (aka housekeeper).  She began to quiz me in my computer application skills and experience with office skills, accounting, etc.  She then said they were possibly going to hire an assistant for her and I should bring by a resume.  Now this woman is super nice, super smart and actually super cool.  Not such a bad gig actually.  The quandary revolves around the profession of  real estate.    

In this world there are two types of people:  Planners (me and my kind) and Real Estate Agents (them).  Planners and real estate agents interact for a handful of reasons including arguing about allowed land uses and the impact of the zoning on the value; arguing about building codes and the impacts on the value; and discussing the specifics of planning/zoning/building law which apply to properties they are trying to sell and make a butt-load of money on for commission without typically doing any of the footwork or research (that is what planners do).   

My planning friends and I refer to the real estate industry as "The Dark Side."  I believe it may be a planning-wide joke as well because I have heard it at conferences too.  They are dark--we are light (or so I thought).  Now that the planning world has been reduced to nothing by the failing real estate market (much like the planet Alderaan was destroyed by the Death Star) I must decide which force is stronger inside of me:  the planning side that is unemployed or the side that would really like a job to earn some money.  I wish I had Yoda nearby to help point me in the right direction.  

PS.  I know that Star Wars did not involve any zombies chanting something from the movie "Freaks" but I threw it in anyway.....

In Which I Cry in my Car

Soooo, there was this really appealing job advertised.  It was with a company that manufactures mobile command units for emergencies.  They integrate GIS and GPS.  Perfect match for moi.  Here is when I mention my degree is in Cartography (map making) with my emphasis in GIS and plenty of GPS and remote sensing crap involved while I was in college.  As Ace Venture would say this job would fit me "like a glove."

This employer required Proveit! tests from Job Service. If you are not familiar with Proveit! tests they are tests that were most likely created by the devil and are typically utilized by companies who beat their employees or expect them to perform at a high level of efficiency with little compensation (same thing in my book).  Proveit! tests do not allow you to go back and change an answer.  You can not review anything.  If the little pop-up window comes up unexpectedly in the middle of clicking something else and you click the next question button, you are screwed.  You just answered a question and got it wrong.  These tests suck.  Bad.  You aren't allowed to repeat them.  Even the No Child Left Behind Act allows schools to retest where there were obvious errors.  That is a Bush-era mandate.  Even that administration saw the value of retesting....  Rant Finished****

There were tests for business English (in which I did not score so well...hmmmm), grammar, etiquette, ethics, Word, Excel, Outlook and typing.  They were obviously serious about who they hired as the only thing the company didn't require was a criminal background test, fingerprints, credit report, medical history, a copy of the book of poetry I wrote for the 1987 Young Authors Conference and my report on France that I wrote in the 4th grade.  Assholes.... 

Day 1: I go in and take two hours of tests and have to leave because I have an appointment.  Day 2:  I go in again and take another hour of tests and then in the middle of it....the power goes out.  Twenty minutes later the computers are up and running again but it messed up the test I was on.  As mentioned previously, Proveit! tests don't allow you to repeat or go back to questions so basically it screwed me on that test.  Oh well...Anyway, I finish the round of testing finally (another hour more) and go up to the help desk to retrieve my results and put in the formal application (as I was awaiting the required tests).  I have 4 hours vested into this job and I don't even know how much it pays...Out of the blue, a woman says to the guy that is helping me, "They closed that job early.  It was filled yesterday."  WTF!!!!!!!!!!  He was like "????" and I was like "????!!!!????!!!!!"  He says "I am so sorry. That job was posted to be open until June 6th."  "Yes," I reply "that is what I thought too. " *sobbing on the inside*

Side note:  The man was nice.  He praised my test results.  He said my typing was blazing fast.  I did 70 words a minute with 0 errors for 3 minutes.  Woot!  Woot!  I guess I can type.  :)  

Regressing a bit, after the initial let down I retrieved the phone number of the company who hired someone even though it said the job was still open.  I then went to my car and I called the company and informed them that the job was still listed as open and I had spent 4 hours taking the tests and they needed to fix it so it didn't happen to other people.  Honestly, the woman I spoke with was an unsympathetic beeeaaatch.  Not nice.  Not caring.  Probably because she has a job and doesn't know what it to be fricking desperate for a job.  I hope she gets laid off someday and learns what it feels like.  Maybe then she can be a bit nicer to the general public and at least pretend to care when she speaks to people via telephone.  After all of this was over that is when I shed a few tears out of frustration--I suppose desperation too, as some days I feel like I shall never ever find a real job again.  That is the central idea I refer to where I made an A.A. Milne-type reference in my grammatic pattern and entitled this "In Which I Cry in my Car."  

After a minute or two, I wiped my eyes, smiled at myself in the rear view mirror and went to Shopko to use a gift card I had been saving for some retail therapy.  It helped.  I felt much better and now I have two adorable black wrought iron lamps with micro-suede shades flanking the nightstands on either side of my bed. 

Follow-up:  The day after the incident in which I write about, I received a call from an employee at Workforce who had heard about what had transpired.  She apologized profusely for how it had occurred.  She also said that she had contacted the company with the job posting and read them the riot act as well about how it had happened.  She said it should not happen again.  There was one other person who also completed the tests the same day and suffered through the same hell.  *To whomever you are, we are united.  I feel your pain.  Good luck in your job search*  The good news is that whenever the offending company posts job openings Workforce will be overseeing them and will track it better so this will not happen again.  Hot damn!  Also, this lady said I should submit my materials anyway as I had completed all the requirements and they may have openings again in the next 6 months.  Blah.

Stripping

In all my years I never once thought that I would ever utter the words "I have been working part-time as a stripper."  To clarify the aforementioned statement one should realize that by stripper I do not mean I have been baring my naked body while dancing on-stage to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and performing acrobatic stunts while attached to a stripper pole.  I am referring to stripper in the form of the action verb for a job which entails removing the sheets and towels from resort- or hotel rooms in order to prepare the room for the housekeeper to clean.  It is a good stripper--not a bad stripper.  

Unlike the other type of stripping where you are paid to remove your clothes, I am paid to remove toiletries, linen and foods left in the refrigerator--most likely from Canadians as they seem to be the only tourists still visiting this town with money.  I do not receive tips like the other kind of stripper either.  The tips that were left in the rooms go to the housekeepers who following my stripping the room of the nasties and unmentionables that guests leave behind.  I also get to restock the rooms with linens and towels to replace the ones that were used and change out toilet paper, paper towels, soaps, candles, dish washing tablets and other assorted niceties that one would expect in a fully furnished condominium unit that is rented weekly.

Luckily, I have not been stationed in the laundry room as I had expected.  That is good because I do not fold symmetrically very well.  In fact, I can't even draw a decently round circle (it usually looks more lopsided like almost an oval or a badly shaped cookie).   Assigning me as a stripper was a much more logical approach.  My initial feedback after my stint as a stripper on Fridays is that I am the best stripper they have ever trained.  I asked questions that no one had ever asked before and it made the head stripper pleased as I could understand the logic of why things were performed in a particular manner and therefore wouldn't make mistakes like other strippers.  I am still unsure of what mistakes others would make besides not being able to count.  It is a rather basic process to determine if you need flat and fitted sheets for twin and queen beds and how many replacement towels would be needed to restock a room.  There is even an inventory sheet that shows how many of each item are required to be in a room.  (Example:  A room requires 6 striped pool towels.  I count the towels that are still folded in closet.  There are 4 so I go to the supply van and retrieve 2 more towels to bring that number back to 6.  See.  Easy as pie.)  I suppose the compliment was also related to the foresight that we were low on pillow cases so I restocked the supply vehicle without being asked.  I was particularly pleased with the compliment about being the best stripper that had ever been trained.  I was also told that I learn quickly.  Yeah!  :)  That actually did make me feel happy inside.  The best part is since the head of housekeeping is a friend of ours she told my husband what an excellent stripper I am!  She also said this in front of others who may not have understood the context for which it was intended to be referenced and that made it all the better......

Being a stripper has also taught me that from now on whenever I stay at a hotel, I shall ALWAYS leave my towels and washrags in the bathtub so the housekeeper or stripper doesn't have to walk all over looking for them.  I will remove the sheets and pillow cases from the beds and place those in a pile that is also easily accessible.  Finally, I shall verify that all toilets are flushed and that I haven't left pubic hairs all over the rim of the toilet like I shaved standing over it.  YUCK!!!!  (I am very serious about that last sentence.  There were 3 units where the toilet rim had more hair than a 20 year old man.  Frickin' disgusting.  Who would do that?  What is wrong with them anyway and is genital hair loss really an actual reality or are these sickos actually shaving their junk over the toilet?)

Shoulda been a Cowgirl

Yee-haw Buckaroo.  Ain't much goin' on in the job market here.  Ain't much of nothin' nowhere it seems.  Only promisin' jobs are for a phlebotomist (works with blood - yuck), attorney (which I ain't), pediatrician (which I ain't for sure and won't never be since I hate blood and don't really like sick lil' ones), hotel workers (I am only doin' that as a fill-in--don't wanna do it full-time) and line cooks (not into that neither).  It's enough to git a girls saddle bags in a bunch.


Although, there was one job I saw posted at Job Service no less.  I ain't lying neither.  It was for a range rider.   This is Montana ya know.   No shit.  Someone to watch over the cows on the open range.  $1,600 a month.  Cabin provided.  You gotta cook yer own tender vittlens and pay fer em too.  Didn't say if there were a stove or a fire pit.  Did say preferred to bring yer own horse and tack.  Wish I had my own horse and tack.  Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, that ain't true.  I hate poop.  I like long showers, doin my hair,  smellin' purty, and sleepin' indoors under clean sheets.  Don't think I would do so great on the open range. It was a nice idea while it lasted.  

Too bad this job wasn't posted back in 1937.  My grandfather wouldda loved it.  Matter of fact, he had a job similar in Oregon territory (actually it was a state by then).  Only difference is there was no cabin and he slept outside and sometimes they ran out of food and he had to eat rodents like squirrels.  He loved riding his horse though.  See--don't think I'm cut out to be a cowgirl or at least not a real one. I do have some very nice and slick lookin' Ariats.  I am in LOVE with my boots.  I guess I am more of a poser or a city slicker since as I said before I hate poop and don't like bein' dirty.  I would like the range rider job if I could dress like Dale Evans and get pampered too (see kick ass image below.  Note: My mom was named after Dale Evans).  That would make it all worth it.  Happy Trails and happy job huntin....

Things I Now Realize About Future Jobs

The last few days have been of tumultuous activities as I have had to sort through my life and earthly possessions while relocating them approximately 4 blocks away.  While it doesn't seem far to move, after 3 1/2 years in one place I have accumulated enough random crap to qualify for an early intervention on the A&E show "Hoarders." The big stuff is done.  The incidentals are scattered about.  I approached this move differently as it was not across 300 miles.  This time I had the ability to move room by room, cupboard by cupboard and sift through the treasures untold stuffed into the nooks and crannies of a house that I thought I would live in for the rest of my days.  Alas, it was not to be.  Losing your job can put a damper on many an aspect of one's life.  Dammit.  Oh well.  I have learned or realized more about myself in the process.

1.  I do not want to work anywhere where I have to keep track of crap at home for that job.  This means certification paperwork or copies of this test or that test or books or trade magazines.  I would rather have it all at an office not in my home.  A job that I can leave when I am not at my job.  This is perhaps the single most important aspect of my former profession which, although I am no longer practicing, I still carry around many tools of the trade.  

2.  I would prefer a job has nothing to do with the area where I live.  I do not want to look out the window and ask or be asked if my neighbor's have a permit for that....  Fill in the blank with fire pit, home based business, building permits, electrical permits, variance from setbacks, etc....It is all bullshit that I really don't care about any longer. 

3.  Jobs don't define people.  People define the jobs.  I guess I never really realized it until I stopped being a planner.  Since I no longer need/have a requirement to attend city council meetings, I don't pay as much attention to the daily bureaucratic BS of municipalities unless I notice something that isn't being done correctly.    

4.  I DO NOT WANT TO WORK WITH ANIMALS!  On this I shall elaborate a bit and regress some in order to provide a little bit of insight.  In Idaho we had some feral cats that lived on our rural property in order to reduce the seasonal influx of the common rodents.  When we moved to Montana, it was undeniable that we could not abandon these felines so we packed them up and moved them with us.  Upon our arrival we opened the cages and released them into the garage to move around as they had been caged for 9 hours.  The next day, once they were released into the outdoors, Beyonce ran away.  We never saw her again.  George Michael stayed around for a good year until Brittany Spears ran him off.  The only one we had managed to keep around was Brittany Spears.  She is an orange and white devil.  If she is not the devil, then she is possessed by the devil.  

   I decided that today would be the day to acclimate her to the new residence.  So while the cat was purring and rubbing against my leg this afternoon, I bent down and picked her up.  I walked her to my fully loaded Durango and proceeded to place her in the vehicle.  I then got inside the vehicle and shut the door.  That is when all hell broke loose.  As soon as I turned the key in the ignition switch, the frickin' cat had a major freak out.  Quickly, I came to realize that, maybe, it was not the best decision I had made.  I apparently should have thought this portion of the move out with a bit more thought such as borrowing a pet carrier or a box that I could use to safely transport her the 4 blocks (since walking the distance with a feral cat is not really an option).  I came to this conclusion due in part the reaction of the cat.  

   She began to scurry about the vehicle: jumping to and fro amongst the boxes in the back of the vehicle, to and fro about the front seats (one of which I mentioned I was already sitting in), and lunging for the openness of the free world via the windows (which were all closed therefore she really just jumped into the glass and landed back into the leather seats).  The whole time I was trying to keep my cool and spoke to her like I was Dr. Doolittle in my modest attempt to calm her fears.  It didn't really have much of an impact.  I also did not scream as she gouged all four paws and the dagger-like claws into the top of my thighs.  I also maintained my cool as she dug those knife-like claws into my breasts.  Out of options, I decided to gun it--like a bat out of hell I began driving down the street praying that I would not have to pull over and roll down the window so she could flee out of it never to be seen again.  Remarkably, she ceased the jumping about with her claws digging into whatever she landed on and she crouched in the passenger seat, back arched, tail drawn back, eyes wild, teeth showing and let out a god-awful hiss/scream that did not, in any sense, sound like the typical Meow or the even "feed-me meow" or "Let me inside Meow."  Nope.  It was more like "Damn" or "Die" over and over for those 4 blocks.  This odd cat sound did not even start with the letter "M" as most cat sounds begin. The sound channeled Beelzebub himself and it began with the letter "D".  It was a rumbling sound that would have made Jesus afraid.  I honestly don't know how I made it to the new house.  

   Once I was in the driveway, I turned off the engine and picked the cat up and tried to pet her as she hissed over and over again.  Once she stopped I held her in front of myself and exited the vehicle.  The plan was to walk her to the house and to her waiting food.  I made it about 6 feet before the assault with her claws began again and I just let go.  There was no fighting it.  She ran across the yard and within about one second was safely underneath the neighbor's deck (or I think that is where she went since it was kind of a blur).  I have not yet seen her again.  I am not too worried.  If she turns up at the old house then I will use a wild animal trap to capture her as I am sure she will not willingly allow me to pick her up for quite some time.  She will reemerge.  She always does.  She is a feral cat.  She does what she wants.

I have since applied neosporin to all of my cuts and scratches.  I hope I don't get cat scratch fever.  I also hope that I never have a job with feral cats.  I have also expanded that to include all animals as I can't get along with my cat, how could I do that for the pet of some stranger???


*****UPDATE******The cat ran away and showed up at the old house again.  I stealthily grabbed her and put her in a box with a laundry basket over the top of it (It was the best I could do at the time).  I again drove her to the new house and released her into the backyard. She ran away to the neighbor's again.  We could hear her moaning her evil "damn" or "die" or whatever the hell it was the entire night.  The next evening she emerged when my husband was outside.  She runs if she sees me.  Apparently, she has some sort of a trust issue with me now...

Temp Job....

Since I haven't found a job yet--this week marks the first week that I will be helping out a friend at a resort. My friend is the head of housekeeping so I will be in the laundry room.  Not much different than what I do at home on a daily basis. Honestly, I don't mind because I will be out of the house for a few hours.  I have never been in an industrial laundry room so this will be a new endeavor.  Also, the perk to helping my friend is maybe I can finally learn how to fold fitted sheets really well.  I've got towels and flat sheets down pat but fitted sheets always look a tad rounded and funky when they are stashed on a shelf next to their neatly squared-cornered sheet mate.  


The sad part is that I am helping a friend in the laundry room because I don't have a job anymore.  All those stupid diplomas and certifications don't mean anything right now.  Who am I going to impress with them?  "Look towels, I am going to fold you and you are going to like it.  You are going to listen to me and be folded nicely.  Sheets, you too!! You will respect my authority!  You will obey as I try to fold you into squares.  None of this balling up as I fold you, dammit! I graduated high school early. I went to college. I am a certified floodplain manager; certified planner; have my cpr certification and in the 8th grade I took boaters safety and got a certificate for that too.  You, laundry, shall do as I say because I know what I am talking about!"  For some reason I don't think it will matter what I have behind me or on the walls in the office (or in a box right now since I am in the process of moving).  Laundry probably won't care and neither will the people who use that laundry.  Do you think the tourists that stay at the resort will have remarks like "Look Honey!!! This towel was folded neatly into and "E" shape.  The folder is obviously an AICP."  "Oh my, these sheets have been arranged so nicely.  Obviously this was prepared by a college graduate."  Um....No.  Not going to happen.  In the meantime, I will have to forget my pity party as I am moving and will be busy folding laundry. 


Here is a picture of me folding towels.  I am not much of an artist so you will have to pretend those are towels.  Also, I will not be folding towels and sheets in the office as it will be at the resort my friend works at and I will not post all my certificates on the wall.  My picture is not an accurate portrayal of what it will really look like. I assume my hair will be messier and their will be lots of washers and dryers.   

A Promising Job

Ok.  So I lied.  It is not a promising job that I saw posted on Craigslist this morning.  It did make me think and I briefly became creative and had one of those little daydreams in my head where I am off doing something different other than sitting on the couch with my laptop on my knees...  It was for a Graveyard Waitress.   Right away I thought "Who would want to work in the cemetery at night?"  Then I remembered that I am blonde and realized it was for the night shift.  No shit.  That is how my brain works sometimes especially the longer I go without exercising it with a real job that involves thinking and crap like that.  Anyway, here is a picture that I drew of what I thought the job should entail.  I bet this is more fun than the real job since the real job is at the bowling alley.  It is the only 24 hour restaurant we have in town.  It would not really be a fun job since the railroaders and drunks are most likely the only ones to come in that late at night.  But I bet that would make it easier than a busy shift.  However, it would be more fun if it was in the graveyard.  Boo!

Craigslist also has a post by a middle school student who doesn't want to work for money, he wants to work for a dirt bike.  So if anyone has a dirt bike laying around please give it to that kid because he went out of his way to post that and it was probably out of his comfort zone-- because in junior high I was shy and not outgoing like that--I bet he isn't either but he REALLY wants a dirt bike so he is willing to post on craigslist, give up his entire summer, and walk or ride a bike all over town just to do work so he can get a dirt bike.  If I had a dirt bike I would give it to him.  I sure like that kid.  I almost hope he finds a job before I do because I at least get unemployment and this poor kid he gets nothing.  Good luck to you kid.  I hope you find your bike soon!

It's my Anniversary!!!

Most people celebrate anniversaries so I will mark this occasion.  I have officially been unemployed for 3 months today.  Oh joy!  Three months ago I sat under fluorescent lights for 8 hours a day in front of two (yes 2) LCD monitors and answered emails, shuffled papers, designed pretty maps of land use use and park locations and got yelled at often by the general public who doesn't like whatever it is that there neighbor is doing.  Three months ago I did that.  

Fast Forward to April 26, 2010:  I still sit in front of computer for 8 hours a day and answer emails however it is mainly fun now.  I draw pretty pictures in paint.  I use paint.net to morph pictures of normal people into pictures of my sister and I visiting far-off places like Niagra Falls.  Sometimes I post on forums.  I update my facebook status a few times a week, I play evony and everyday sort through job postings on Craigslist and apply for those that make more than working at Wendy's (which isn't many here since we have a rather high unemployment rate of 13.2%.  Aargh!).    However, I think that I like my life better now.  I am broke and eligible for public assistance but I am happy.  My boss is myself and I tell me what to do.  Here are some scenarios to compare then versus now:

3 months ago:  Boss says “There is a city council meeting and we need these reports written ASAP and someone will need to give the presentations...you have 2 hours...GO!”

Now:  It is 11 am and I still haven't taken a shower.  I say “Self, take a shower!”  So I do. Much more relaxed.

3 months ago:  “My neighbor is building a house and their roof is blocking my view of the ski run, please stop him/my neighbor is painting their house blue and it doesn't match the shade of my house, please stop them/my neighbor doesn't mow his yard as much as I want him to, please stop him/I want to sell donuts in a residential area please don't stop me.”

Now:  Me--looking out the window at my neighbor--He is washing his car in his driveway peacefully.  I am watching a rerun of Cold Case.  I am drinking a beer.  This is nice.  No one stops me.

So as you can hopefully see, I am a better boss than my old one as I let myself do nothing really and everything is fun.  I don't get yelled at and if I do, I am in my house so I can yell back.   That feels really good.  I feel more like I have graduated to Neverneverland since I really do whatever I feel like.  This summer is going to be fun!  I do like anniversaries.  Now to celebrate, I am going to have a beer.  Cheers!

*Later, after my celebratory dinner of sloppy joes and strawberry yogurt I shall post a happy drawing to commemorate this occasion.*  **Update:  Here are the pictures that show me then, with a job and now without a job.

How Do You Think They Intended To Use the Word Intercourse?

Today I opened my email and was delighted to see that I had a response from my resume posted on CareerBuilder.  Finally!  Woo-hoo.  Upon close inspection of the email I found I had some lingering questions regarding the possibility to work out of the home so I sent a response email.  I am unsure if I will receive a reply to my inquiry.  I shall keep you posted.  Below is our correspondence.  I have highlighted that area of concern in the original email.  As the email did not have a signature, I sent the correspondence to the name of the person who sent the email. Have a Blessed Day!  *Note: I included screen shots as to verify the validity of this post. 

Dear Nicole 
Sirius Business Research LLC. EU Company is seeking an Operations Contractor. 100% Home Based opportunity is available in April 2010.
The Company renders risk management researches and consulting services for Iron and Steel Industry.
Descriptions include but are not limited to:

• Cooperate and forwarding client on the Web, by phone or personally
• Paper trail, records and accounting
• Continuing education and training
• Analyzing client's demands and requirements

Wages: $400+/week after short probation period.
Requirements:

• Verbal and written intercourse skills
• Computer skills(Internet, Office)

To apply please send this invitation on leader.mtl.co@gmail.comHr Dept.
Wagramer Str. 4
Hochhaus Neue Donau
Floor 7, office 708.
1220 Vienna, Austria
Sirius Business Research LLC.


Here is my reply:

Dear Priscilla:

In response to your email of April 23, 2010 I am bit concerned that this may not be a legitimate offer. Please reply to this email so I may verify the validity of your offer. As for the required skills, I have been told I am very adept with intercourse in many different manners including both written and verbal.  Whenever I am away from home I engage in verbal intercourse with my husband via telephone.  Sometimes we communicate in that manner via email.  Is this the skill you are looking for?  If so, I would be very interested if it involves my husband.  If not, then I am not interested in having verbal or written intercourse with anyone else.  I made a vow when I got married to be true to one person. Engaging in intercourse with others appears to void this arrangement.

If your email refers to verbal and written skills pertaining to office correspondence then I do believe I am interested.  Please let me know in which manner you are referencing intercourse.  I do not have any interest in becoming one of those phone operators on a 1-976 phone number even if it is a home based business.

Regards,

Nicole

Slave Labor in Montana

During my quest for gainful employment (I call it that because my father always used that term because it means a “real” job and not a wayward kind of summer gig or one that will require you live in your Dad's basement for years) I have followed up on a number of promising postings on craigslist for independent contractor positions.  You know, where I do something for someone because I want to not because my boss is lazy and makes me do it so they can then take the credit for it—that kind of work. 

Back in March I saw an ad that really sparked my interest.  It involved distressed properties and vacant properties.  It was for a Field Inspector and it involved using a digital camera or camera phone and knowledge of how to use the computer and email.  BINGO!  I can do this one for sure.  Plus, I had been researching field inspector jobs because the foreclosure rate is rather high and they are in demand.  (These are the jerks that drive by your house and take pictures so the bank can put the picture on the internet before you have been fully foreclosed, evicted and lost everything—I know, times are tough, I need a job,  Jeez...)  I googled the email, backchecked the company = figured it was legitimate and got the name of the person who posted it and found their picture online too (I have also been looking for jobs as a skip tracer and private dick---I just used the word dick and it wasn't naughty, haha) so I fired off an email to the email listed on the craigslist post. 

Dear Courtney:

I am interested in the posting on Craigslist for a part-time field inspector.  I have a laptop, digital camera and reliable transportation. I also have extensive knowledge of Flathead County and the surrounding areas as I used to perform site visits regularly.   I am a professional land use planner by trade however I was recently laid off due to budget reasons.   I am now working part-time as a land use consultant. 

Attached is a pdf version of my resume.  Although I may appear highly qualified, I truly am interested in any part--time positions that may be available.  I look forward to hearing from you.  I may be reached at my home number of 406-000-0000 on my cell phone at 000-867-5309.

Regards,

Nikki 

Reflecting back I would not have put the part about the budget cutback BS but if a professional anything is looking for a job at let's say, KFC, one would usually assume that they suck and can't get a real job that have training for or they suck and were fired and I don't suck.  That said, I included it and the thingy about being highly qualified.  Have you seen my resume?  I have not always worked at burrito buses (not that there is anything wrong with it...)


A few days later I get a response and without spending as much time as it took me to write this little story or the earlier email, I erased the idea from my memory.  Actually, it was such a sham deal that I rather forgot about it until I was a running a clean up of the folder where I save all the random doo-doo I find on the internet and remembered that I had saved the webpage and then located the emails here for your enjoyment.  Anyway, blah blah, I am talking too much so here is the response and I will let you decide if I made the right choice with not following up... *Note you don't have to read everything she wrote.  I kinda added some large fonts and crap to point out the stupid parts*

Good afternoon Nikki:
My name is Edwina and I'm the rep coordinator for the state of Montana. Please read the information provide below, and we can talk about what area's you can cover.  Here is some information on the types of work we do and compensation: 
Many of our inspections only require a simple verification of occupancy,a description of the property, and a photo.  With every inspection, you need to determine the condition of the property and the neighborhood,the roof type, the color, the type of property (is it single family,condo, apartment?), construction type (brick, frame, etc) and the number of stories.  It's also very important to note if the property is for sale, and if so, we need the realtor name and phone number.  Sometimes these inspections may include a letter or door tag to leave at the property for the homeowner.
If there is a letter to be delivered to the homeowner it must be left at the property in a sealed envelope. Or, the mortgage company may ask that we leave a call back tag at the property.  This simply provides the mortgage company's name and toll-free number with a request that the mortgagor call them.
We also do insurance loss inspections or Loss Drafts.  This inspection requires you to set an appointment with the homeowner to go out and view and photograph repairs being made to the  property.  
Our company does a wide range of inspections; many not requiring any contact at the property.  We are always looking for good; reliable reps within every community.  
Our company also does Property Preservation to keep each vacant property in good condition and within city codes.  We do things like change locks, remove left over personal property and damaged appliances, winterization and mow lawns just to name a few.  As a rep, you are not required to do both preservation and inspection work, however, they do go hand in hand, and both are integral parts of what we do.


Here are the fees we pay for each type of inspection:

• Loan Service Report/No Contact 7.50
• Loan Service Report/With Contact 8.00
• Property Inspection Only 7.50
• Rush Property Inspection 15.00
• Loss Draft 12.00
• Rush Loss Draft 15.00
• Commercial Inspection 15.00
• Rush Commercial Inspection 25.00

*Note: I made the font much larger and red so you could see it easier.   I would also like to point out that these prices are in US dollars not abbreviations for larger denomiations although they could be in pesos since it is such a small amount.  Barely covers for the frickin' gas money in most cases.  Flathead County is over 5,00 square miles in size - it is comparable to the entire state of Connecticut for pete's sake.


We require a 25% discount on any preservation work we assign to you. (What???? They will pay me even less than the dribble they quoted above??? Hello McFly....NO!!!!!)


Please let me know either way if you are interested in joining our team at Wewillscrewyouover (name changed to protect anonnimty of slave labor using company that is not Wal-Mart).  If so, please provide all of your contact information including your mailing address, fax number, all phone numbers where you can be 
reached, and your SSN or Tax ID with company name, whichever you prefer. I look forward to hearing from you.  Have a wonderful day.
I have put together a list of counties I need help in, please let me know what counties you can work. [I edited out the list of what looked like all 56 counties in Montana so you wouldn't have to read them but if you are interested here is a list of all of them alphabetically  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_counties_in_Montana]
Thank you, 
Edwina [I also omitted her last name and contact info because I don't want crazies on the internet contacting her and telling her they got her number from me.  That's not how I roll...]