In Which I Get a Job - for real this time!!!!

After 6 frustrating months--2 weeks left until my unemployment money runs out--I received a decent job offer, which I happily accepted.  The job is not in the planning field.  Not even close.  It is actually one that may bring personal happiness through work.  I am looking forward to that.  It is a social work type job with an assisted living facility.  I like people.  I like problem solving.  This is the best of both. Hopefully it works out well and I won't have to be unemployed like this again.  While I did enjoy not working during the summer months, having plenty of free time, having a clean house and sleeping in each morning; the overall lack of money really sucked.  If I have to work in order to afford the basic necessities then at least I can work with something that provides some enjoyment.  

Granted it doesn't come close to what I have made hourly in the last 10 years either but I can work my way up and the freedom, flexibility and reliability are worth it.  Additionally, my friend (whose job I am filling because she quit to fulfill her dreams--and I wish her luck because that takes balls) says it is a wonderful place to work and she absolutely loved it.  I trust her because she is the most straight forward person I have ever met and if it were a crap-hole full of nasty politics and unhappiness like the last black hole of ectoplasam where we worked together, she would have told me and she would have worded it like a sailor and there would be no mistaking how she felt about it.  It was on her glowing recommendation that I even applied for it.  So props to you, Mare, you rock!  Hope you succeed in the next endeavor because I don't plan on giving you your job back should you want it again :)

What I learned:  I had no luck applying for jobs on craigslist.  Yahoo! Jobs, Monster and CareerBuilder all seem to be shams.  No luck ever--only scam jobs or job listings ripped from other sources.  In the end, good old fashioned job service proved to be one of two viable sources.  The other source was usajobs.gov.  I found a contract position through it however I don't want to move so that offer wasn't accepted.  

Finding work this late in the game was stressful.  I wasn't sure what I was going to do beyond August.  At least the feds approved the extension of unemployment so technically I could have received another 33 weeks of unemployment but still, it is not enough to live.  I will be happy to no longer qualify for food stamps.  I will be happy to have benefits.  I will be happy to a have job.   Now that I cashed in my retirement, I can go shopping so I can have nice new clothes for my nice new job.  Woot!  Woot!  Now that is also something to be happy about.

Striking Gold

Wowsers.  I struck it rich on Craigslist today.  After a very long dry spell of any amusing job postings, I found two this morning-- ripe and ready for the picking.  La-di-da!

First up is a continuation of our old friend, Edwina, and her property preservation request.  I have no doubt that this has been posted by the same bottom feeders willing to pay a whopping $7.50 for a site visit!  (Gas is $2.89 a gallon right now, barely covers gas.  Idiots.....)  Funniest part is how they ended their posting:  "If you are insured, and honest, we should talk," as opposed to "If you don't have your own worker's comp policy and are a liar..."  Der....  That "we should talk" part should be a red flag that this is not the most genuine posting.  Maybe they should have ended it with "Lets do lunch, dahhhhling," in order to have a higher response rate since only a newb job hunter would respond to this one and, hey, free lunch!

Second idiot posting of the day comes to us from Sarah and Kent who feel that they have discovered the key to success and happiness and therefore must advertise it on Craigslist instead of late night infomercials.  They begin their post with an extremely annoying headline:  "Do you desire a change?"  Answer:  "No, I just look for jobs because I enjoy it."  "No, I just peruse job postings as a way of making myself feel better since I already have a job and want to laugh at the lack of good jobs available."  Why would they include that rhetorical question as their lead-in!?!?!?!  Of course I want change!!!!! Why would I be reading wanted ads online if I wanted to stay all caught up in the usual rigmarole of being unemployed.   For gods sakes alive!  This just really annoyed me but not as much as when I visited the website.  The website was so bad and I became so frustrated by the ambiguous phrases hinting towards financial freedom that I couldn't even post a screen shot here.  It made me so disgusted that I vurped.  I then took some Tums and only posted a screen shot of the ad.  Aaargh!!!!!!!!!

I am not sure if it is the weather, the moon cycle, my female cycle or the fact that I am entering into my 5th (yep, that is right) 5th f'in month of unemployment that is making me sound more like Maxine in those grouchy cartoons than sounding like myself (see dumb cartoon below).  I am also getting so distraught with my lack of leads that becoming an alcoholic or collecting disability pay for doing nothing is becoming more appealing by the minute.  If you are an alcoholic there are recovery services available for you and they will help you find a job if you go into "recovery."  If you are disabled, you can either get free schooling to be retrained or just collect money each month from your mailbox job.  You don't really have to be disabled in the usual manner of loosing body parts either.  You can just have a mental illness.  Mine is unemployment.  It is driving me crazy.  Grrrrr again.

How Do You Think They Intended To Use the Word Intercourse?

Today I opened my email and was delighted to see that I had a response from my resume posted on CareerBuilder.  Finally!  Woo-hoo.  Upon close inspection of the email I found I had some lingering questions regarding the possibility to work out of the home so I sent a response email.  I am unsure if I will receive a reply to my inquiry.  I shall keep you posted.  Below is our correspondence.  I have highlighted that area of concern in the original email.  As the email did not have a signature, I sent the correspondence to the name of the person who sent the email. Have a Blessed Day!  *Note: I included screen shots as to verify the validity of this post. 

Dear Nicole 
Sirius Business Research LLC. EU Company is seeking an Operations Contractor. 100% Home Based opportunity is available in April 2010.
The Company renders risk management researches and consulting services for Iron and Steel Industry.
Descriptions include but are not limited to:

• Cooperate and forwarding client on the Web, by phone or personally
• Paper trail, records and accounting
• Continuing education and training
• Analyzing client's demands and requirements

Wages: $400+/week after short probation period.
Requirements:

• Verbal and written intercourse skills
• Computer skills(Internet, Office)

To apply please send this invitation on leader.mtl.co@gmail.comHr Dept.
Wagramer Str. 4
Hochhaus Neue Donau
Floor 7, office 708.
1220 Vienna, Austria
Sirius Business Research LLC.


Here is my reply:

Dear Priscilla:

In response to your email of April 23, 2010 I am bit concerned that this may not be a legitimate offer. Please reply to this email so I may verify the validity of your offer. As for the required skills, I have been told I am very adept with intercourse in many different manners including both written and verbal.  Whenever I am away from home I engage in verbal intercourse with my husband via telephone.  Sometimes we communicate in that manner via email.  Is this the skill you are looking for?  If so, I would be very interested if it involves my husband.  If not, then I am not interested in having verbal or written intercourse with anyone else.  I made a vow when I got married to be true to one person. Engaging in intercourse with others appears to void this arrangement.

If your email refers to verbal and written skills pertaining to office correspondence then I do believe I am interested.  Please let me know in which manner you are referencing intercourse.  I do not have any interest in becoming one of those phone operators on a 1-976 phone number even if it is a home based business.

Regards,

Nicole

Slave Labor in Montana

During my quest for gainful employment (I call it that because my father always used that term because it means a “real” job and not a wayward kind of summer gig or one that will require you live in your Dad's basement for years) I have followed up on a number of promising postings on craigslist for independent contractor positions.  You know, where I do something for someone because I want to not because my boss is lazy and makes me do it so they can then take the credit for it—that kind of work. 

Back in March I saw an ad that really sparked my interest.  It involved distressed properties and vacant properties.  It was for a Field Inspector and it involved using a digital camera or camera phone and knowledge of how to use the computer and email.  BINGO!  I can do this one for sure.  Plus, I had been researching field inspector jobs because the foreclosure rate is rather high and they are in demand.  (These are the jerks that drive by your house and take pictures so the bank can put the picture on the internet before you have been fully foreclosed, evicted and lost everything—I know, times are tough, I need a job,  Jeez...)  I googled the email, backchecked the company = figured it was legitimate and got the name of the person who posted it and found their picture online too (I have also been looking for jobs as a skip tracer and private dick---I just used the word dick and it wasn't naughty, haha) so I fired off an email to the email listed on the craigslist post. 

Dear Courtney:

I am interested in the posting on Craigslist for a part-time field inspector.  I have a laptop, digital camera and reliable transportation. I also have extensive knowledge of Flathead County and the surrounding areas as I used to perform site visits regularly.   I am a professional land use planner by trade however I was recently laid off due to budget reasons.   I am now working part-time as a land use consultant. 

Attached is a pdf version of my resume.  Although I may appear highly qualified, I truly am interested in any part--time positions that may be available.  I look forward to hearing from you.  I may be reached at my home number of 406-000-0000 on my cell phone at 000-867-5309.

Regards,

Nikki 

Reflecting back I would not have put the part about the budget cutback BS but if a professional anything is looking for a job at let's say, KFC, one would usually assume that they suck and can't get a real job that have training for or they suck and were fired and I don't suck.  That said, I included it and the thingy about being highly qualified.  Have you seen my resume?  I have not always worked at burrito buses (not that there is anything wrong with it...)


A few days later I get a response and without spending as much time as it took me to write this little story or the earlier email, I erased the idea from my memory.  Actually, it was such a sham deal that I rather forgot about it until I was a running a clean up of the folder where I save all the random doo-doo I find on the internet and remembered that I had saved the webpage and then located the emails here for your enjoyment.  Anyway, blah blah, I am talking too much so here is the response and I will let you decide if I made the right choice with not following up... *Note you don't have to read everything she wrote.  I kinda added some large fonts and crap to point out the stupid parts*

Good afternoon Nikki:
My name is Edwina and I'm the rep coordinator for the state of Montana. Please read the information provide below, and we can talk about what area's you can cover.  Here is some information on the types of work we do and compensation: 
Many of our inspections only require a simple verification of occupancy,a description of the property, and a photo.  With every inspection, you need to determine the condition of the property and the neighborhood,the roof type, the color, the type of property (is it single family,condo, apartment?), construction type (brick, frame, etc) and the number of stories.  It's also very important to note if the property is for sale, and if so, we need the realtor name and phone number.  Sometimes these inspections may include a letter or door tag to leave at the property for the homeowner.
If there is a letter to be delivered to the homeowner it must be left at the property in a sealed envelope. Or, the mortgage company may ask that we leave a call back tag at the property.  This simply provides the mortgage company's name and toll-free number with a request that the mortgagor call them.
We also do insurance loss inspections or Loss Drafts.  This inspection requires you to set an appointment with the homeowner to go out and view and photograph repairs being made to the  property.  
Our company does a wide range of inspections; many not requiring any contact at the property.  We are always looking for good; reliable reps within every community.  
Our company also does Property Preservation to keep each vacant property in good condition and within city codes.  We do things like change locks, remove left over personal property and damaged appliances, winterization and mow lawns just to name a few.  As a rep, you are not required to do both preservation and inspection work, however, they do go hand in hand, and both are integral parts of what we do.


Here are the fees we pay for each type of inspection:

• Loan Service Report/No Contact 7.50
• Loan Service Report/With Contact 8.00
• Property Inspection Only 7.50
• Rush Property Inspection 15.00
• Loss Draft 12.00
• Rush Loss Draft 15.00
• Commercial Inspection 15.00
• Rush Commercial Inspection 25.00

*Note: I made the font much larger and red so you could see it easier.   I would also like to point out that these prices are in US dollars not abbreviations for larger denomiations although they could be in pesos since it is such a small amount.  Barely covers for the frickin' gas money in most cases.  Flathead County is over 5,00 square miles in size - it is comparable to the entire state of Connecticut for pete's sake.


We require a 25% discount on any preservation work we assign to you. (What???? They will pay me even less than the dribble they quoted above??? Hello McFly....NO!!!!!)


Please let me know either way if you are interested in joining our team at Wewillscrewyouover (name changed to protect anonnimty of slave labor using company that is not Wal-Mart).  If so, please provide all of your contact information including your mailing address, fax number, all phone numbers where you can be 
reached, and your SSN or Tax ID with company name, whichever you prefer. I look forward to hearing from you.  Have a wonderful day.
I have put together a list of counties I need help in, please let me know what counties you can work. [I edited out the list of what looked like all 56 counties in Montana so you wouldn't have to read them but if you are interested here is a list of all of them alphabetically  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_counties_in_Montana]
Thank you, 
Edwina [I also omitted her last name and contact info because I don't want crazies on the internet contacting her and telling her they got her number from me.  That's not how I roll...]

Ding Dong..Avon Calling

My daily dose of spam job openings included six, count em, six job postings from Avon in one email from Monster this morning.  How delightful.  I go to college, work my butt off and the best fit I can get for 17 years of administrative and professional experience is as an Avon Lady.  What has the economy come to?

I have nothing against Avon Ladies Representatives (to be politically correct) I just don't believe it would be the best fit.  Besides, I wouldn't want to put my friends out of business.  I have 2 friends, a cousin and an aunt who sell Avon.  

However, this does present me with a research project.  I shall now start researching which direct sales company provides the best consultant benefits for compensation, discounts, incentives and product diversity.  I will pretend it is my job for the week. That will keep me busy along with trying to find a new house to rent, cleaning up this house, packing this house into boxes and moving those boxes into storage while I look for a different house to move into.  I am sure I can find time somewhere. 

The one thing about having all this free time is I don't really feel like I have any free time.  Most of it seems relegated to other tasks such as dishes, laundry, working at the business with my husband and spending hours a day on job searches and reading materials to stay current in my field since I am not practicing on a daily basis anymore.  Off to work I go....

Here is the email I received with 6 Avon postings.  I wasn't making that up.  I would never have been clever enough to make a joke like that:

More Fake Job Offers

Prior to this job search I thought that spam was limited to get rich quick schemes and sending money to Nigeria. Apparently, it also applies to those who post their resumes on Careerbuilder.com and Monsterjobs.com.  What a sad, sad day it is for those of us who really want to work.  How many people get reeled into these scams and end up becoming insurance salespeople?  I am almost curious to respond to one of these but my desire to sell insurance is not there at all.  Plus, if it is legitimate I would have received a personal email or even a phone call not a mass-produced pretend letter of interest.  This is just so wrong.  If the insurance industry really needs people why don't they post the supposed job openings in the newspaper or on craigslist?  *Sigh*  
Now, I am beginning to doubt that anyone can actually find a real job using careerbuilder or monsterjobs.  If you know of anyone who has actually received jobs through these sites please let me know.  I am about to relegate them to the junk email folder for fake earning money sites such as daily surveys and mystery shopper jobs....


These are some of the emails I have received where people pretend to be interested in me.  I feel like the girl out with her friends at the bar stuck with the left over guy who is only there because his best friend is hooking up with your best friend-- so you have to stay with them only you don't want anything to do with their friend --so both of you pretend you are interested in each other even though there is no way in hell either of you will ever hook up or have anything in common and it will never go anywhere....  Aargh!

OMG! A Real Job for Real Money??? NO Way!!!!

I received a poorly written phishing email which had presented itself as a job offer.  The email contained many errors.  I felt it was my duty to inform Jane (the fake women who sent me the email) that her communication skills were lacking and a well-planned successful scam would utilize proper grammar and spelling in order to achieve maximize returns.  Below is a copy of the email I received and my response to her.  I hope I hear back from them.  It sounds like a very fun place to work.  By the way, I am available for your proofreading and editing needs as well.  Have a Bless Day!

MY RESPONSE:


Dear Jane:

While I am not interested in being part of your corporate team as a Payment Processing Manager, I am interested in working as a independent proofreader.  Your email had numerous errors and reads as if it was written by the same poor 3rd world worker with basic English skills who translates directions for assembling shelving units and the like.

Below are the items that I feel you should change if you would like your phishing scam letter to have a higher response rate.  This heightened response rate will bring you increased revenue while stealing from people.

1. Do not start with "Real Job for Real Money" in the subject line.  Most rational people assume that "real jobs" will not pay with monopoly money.
2. Third Sentence reads "Do you know what does it entail?"  The grammatically correct sentence would read "Do you know what it entails," or "Do you know what all it entails?".
3. No one would phrase a statement with incorrect tenses such as "It's empower business...".
4. Where the base salary is mentioned there should be a space inserted between 30 and days.
5. It should read "No need to pay" not "No needs to pay."
6. The closing remark should be written to state "Have a blessed day" not "Have a bless day."

I charge $35 an hour for my proofreading work with a minimum of one hour for all jobs.  This first interaction has been a courtesy consult and no fee is being charged at this time.  

I look forward to working with you in the future.  Have a blessed day.

Best Regards,

Nicole 

Daily Job Search on Craigslist

So my usual morning routine is start a pot of coffee, take the kid to school, come home and start drinking said pot o' coffee while I peruse the want ads in the newspaper. Then I turn on the laptop and bring up Craigslist, followed by the local job service website; USAjobs.org; the website of state jobs; monsterjobs; careerfinder; the montana trader; the APA website; the Floodplain Managers website and finally I do a google search.  Some days I find many jobs that fit the bill so I spend a few hours preparing application materials and send them off by noon when I take a shower and then go to the pizza restaurant with my husband and work with him for free.  Blah.  


Other days, I do all of the above only instead of finding anything interesting or realistically worth my while to apply for employment I find stupid thing or jobs that I would never ever apply for such as those listed below:  *Note if you can't read them, click on the image and it will get bigger as if by magic.

This first one was interesting as you can see from my comments however it was lacking any information what so ever.  I am not clear what the job is/was.  I don't want to apply for the job if it involves cleaning out septic tanks or working with smelly people in any way, shape or form.  I bet this announcement would have been much more successful with finding new employees if it would have included some information into what the job is....


Then there was this one:

I definitely do not ever want to be a sign holder or have to wave at traffic especially if I need to act HAPPY as it states.  Ick!


And Finally there was this one which is the one that pays the best and I may be qualified for:

The only problem with this one is that my husband might not like it if I am pregnant with someone else's baby. I thought a little about it but I may have to pass it up.  1) I'm not too clear if it means do I use drugs now or have I ever smoked a little green and 2) When I do the math compared with my old rate of pay when I had a fricking awesome job it just doesn't pan out.  Not that I am a job snob but only earning $25,000 for 9 months work that requires barfing, stretch marks, unreliable hormones, possibly hemorrhoids, pushing out a baby and the recovery time involved it just doesn't seem as hot as it did at first.


So, I guess I will keep looking.  Tomorrow I will be ready with my left-over half pot o' coffee (when one is unemployed it is very wasteful to throw out half a pot, just heat it up again. I no longer have enough money to be uppity like that.  Get over it.  You know you would do it too.)