I have Graduated!

Tonight at dinner I found out that I have apparently graduated from the "Meanest Mom in the World" to the "Creepiest Mom in the World."  I am not sure if that is really a bad thing either.  For the past 15 years, there have been many times in which I have been accused of being mean.  Usually this "being mean" involves responsible parenting.  Examples would be having a child clean their room, do chores, finish homework, act appropriately or even *Gasp* accept responsibility for their actions while they are in trouble.  I have been very deserving of this title and have worked diligently at earning and living up to the role.  It took many years of training.

I have also found out that there are other mothers out there who may also qualify as the "Meanest Mom in the World."  To them I say "Excellent Job!"  It is rather difficult to have the title stick.  This mother may have earned it in her child's eyes but other mom's out there are raising our glasses of wine at night when the kids are in bed and saying "Cheers" and "Here! Here!"  Ma'am we applaud you!!

What has transpired tonight is a bit different.  One that I had never pondered.  One that I never knew I would be proud of holding.  Yet it is now here.  I have become the "Creepiest Mom in the World".  I do not remember the last time I was so verklempt by such an honor.  It will be difficult to give my acceptance speech.  However, I will persevere and wade through the emotions that overcome me at this time of recognition.

I always thought a creepy mom would look like this:

(Although, I must note, that Ann Coulter is always creepy)  Or, a creepy mom would look like this:

What have I done to begat this fame?  I informed my son that yes, he could indeed go hang out with his friends, however, I may at any time come and check on him.  Yep, that is right.  I confirmed that at any given moment in time, I may shatter his reality of coolness by verifying his whereabouts by making a public appearance.  It doesn't mean that I will.  It doesn't mean I will show up at the library when he is "studying."

It doesn't mean I will be peeking on him as he is walking downtown or through neighborhoods with his peers.

Or even making a discreet stop at the mall.

It simply means that when he tells me that he will be somewhere I will reserve the right to follow up and verify that he is there.  If he is truly going to be participating in whatever event he has told me then it should be no big deal.  BUT, if he isn't truthful and has different intentions then I guess it would be terrifying and possibly creepy.

Oh well, I don't mind being creepy.  At least I know where my kids are.

More of Aunt Nikki's World

While speaking with my sister tonight she told me yet another funny tale of where my niece, Ava, thinks I live.


Ava:  "Is Aunt Nikki's World part of this earth?"

My sister: "What do you mean?"


Ava: "Is it on this earth or is it's own world?"

Sister: "It is part of the earth.  It's on this planet."


Ava: "Oh...." pauses, "Is it it's own country?"


Sister:  "No.  It's a state."


Ava:  "Oh, it's not a country..."


Sister: "No, it's a state like where we live..."


Ava:  "Um, ok."

I have to wonder what is going through her mind.  I love her vivid imagination....


PS.  Props go out to my sister and her husband on the birth of my newest nephew, Nathan.  He came into the world a few weeks early but he is healthy and cute as all get out.  I can't wait for him to start talking.  I hope his imagination is as active as Ava's.

The Devil Living in My Yard

My husband thinks I might be the only person in America who hates deer.  In my defense, with good reason.  This year I actually have a bumper crop of apples in my yard.  I was so excited until the deer showed up.  It is a little buck about two years old.  He has little horns with nubbins.  He was here Sunday night when we got home from being gone all weekend.  I told him he could stay the night in the back yard and then he had better be gone.

Monday--He was there when I woke up, came home for lunch and got back after work.  When Alan got home he suggested I try to scare him away because he was eating apples and then headed to my garden to gobble up my strawberries.  That did not sit well with me.  I have struggled to get my garden going a midst the local city wild life of squirrels, raccoons and the stupid crows.

Going off of the husband's advice, I started hootin' and hollerin' at the deer.  He just stared at me.  I started running around on the deck and making noise.  He went from the apple tree to the garden again.  I was pissed!  I flew down the stairs and yelled as loud as I could.  Nothing.  He just kept eating.  I screamed louder.  I tried yelling in a deeper voice.  The deer took notice and inquisitively turned his head to look straight at me.  I again made same booming noises and ran towards him.  My arms extended towards the sky so I would appear larger (I have heard you should do that wildlife.  It doesn't really work).  Frickin' deer just glared at me and then.....charged me.  He started running towards me.  I had no other choice but to turn around and run like hell back up to the deck with Alan.  The deer then just stood in the yard with an evil eye turned towards me before proceeding to eat again.  Husband said it could smell the fear in me.  Sure thing!  Like I want to be hoofed to death or worse--maimed in the facial region for life.  Holy Buckets!!!

Tuesday--Tried again.  Same results.  My sister suggested I ask him nicely to leave.  I did so hoping he would abide.

Wednesday--Go out to feed the devil cat that lives on the porch and he is STILL THERE!! Aargh!  This is going too far.  Lunch he was there.  After work he was there.  I decided to take matters into my own hands.  This is a deer.  A stupid little one too.  I should be able to outsmart it.  Scare it away in some manner.  If he would just stop eating my apple tree which by this time has lost 50% of its leaves and is now loosing apples non stop.  Damned deer can't just eat the ones on the ground.  NOOOO!

Step 1:  I go out and make more noise.  I more or less yelled at him like I was fighting with one of my siblings when I was a teenager.  Didn't work.  I was defeated.  He just lays down under the tree across from the porch.

Step 2:  I dig through Silas' confiscated goods that we keep in our room.  No cap gun only caps.  However, I did find those annoying snappers that you throw on the ground to scare people.  Armed with a bag of the snappers I headed outside.  The deer must have known something because he got up and walked to the other side of the picnic table on the patio.  I started hucking the poppers on the deck.  Then the stone walkway.  Then I walked to the patio about 3 feet from the evil deer.  I started throwing them around me and he didn't even wince.

Step 3:  I am freaking out now.  I am mad.  I picked up a piece of wood and threw it at the deer.  He stepped about 2 feet the other direction but made no attempt to even act surprised by the crazy women having a freak out 5 feet away.

Step 4:  I go to the driveway and gathered two handfuls of gravel.  When I got back to the apple tree area the deer must have sensed something so by now he had sauntered over to the garden and was again munching on the greens of the strawberries.  He even ate the flowers off my poppies!!!!  The nerve!!!!!

Screaming and running towards him I launched an all out army style assault and pelted him with rocks.  I know I hit him but my throwing skills must be weak because he really didn't flinch too much.  He kept eating although he was getting antsy.

Step 5:  I am ready to cry.  I am a girl.

Step 6:  Desperate for something to work I started the lawn mower.  He looks up.  I run towards him while pushing the lawn mower.  He runs to the opposite side of the yard.  I do too.  He zigs the other way.  I zagged.  He circles around the fire pit.  So do I.  Mind you I am pushing a running lawn mower.  He goes to the garden, I follow.  We circle the garden then back across the lawn towards the apple tree.  He actually started to sprint!!!  Yes!!!!!  Although he stopped when he got to the trampoline.

Step 7:  I run with the lawn mower towards him, let go of it on the patio, grab a pile of sticks and pine cones and start launching them at him.  Finally he runs through the open gate.  Victory is mine--for about 30 seconds until he lays down under the pine tree in the front yard.

Step 8:  I realize what an idiot I am when I see how the lawn has a crazy path mowed through it.

Step 9:  I mow the lawn in the back yard.

Step 10: I mow the front yard.  The deer is clearly annoyed with me and walks across the street to Eva's yard.  Well, at least he isn't in my yard anymore.

Step 11:  Not having any deer deterrent spray or any wild game urine like numerous websites suggest I grab a package of fabric sheets and hang them on the branches of the apple tree.  Deer supposedly don't like soap or fabric softer.  We will see.....  At least now when I sit on the bench under the tree I get a nice spring rain scent.

Aunt Nikki's World

My niece has a rather different outlook on Montana.  She lives north of Portland, Oregon and has never ventured this far east.  To a 7 year old it is a rather exotic place.  Apparently it is is also a bit scary.  It never dawned on me how she envisioned it until my sister filled me in.

--She doesn't call it Montana.  When my mother and I were in a car accident last year she got very upset that we would not survive the fender-bender and she would never get to visit "Aunt Nikki's World".

--Her views of this area of the country have been painted with a vivid imagination.  She told my sister that vampires come out of "Aunt Nikki's World."  When she was questioned her logic made sense.

1.  We have icicles.  Big ones.  Ones so big that she thinks they look like vampire teeth hanging off the roof.  I have sent her pictures of them and she is fascinated by them.  She wants to visit in the winter so she can see them and hopefully lick one (yuck!).  Although she did say she wouldn't look up since they could fall into your eye.

2.  We have ghost trees here.  She has taken this idea from a children's book I gave her about "Snow Ghosts."  It is really just a nickname for awesome looking snow covered trees in the mountains.  They can resemble people and a forested area of them is a bit ominous.  She forgets the "snow" part and so we have "ghost trees."  I can't imagine what she thinks it is like at midnight on Halloween here with a full moon.

3.  Grizzly bears.  Yes there are bears here but they typically don't come into town.  At least not very often.  We do have enough bear spray for each member of the family when we go to the woods, camping and picking huckleberries.  This area does have grizzly bears and I am sure it is scary when you are seven.  However, going to city and being surrounded by sketchy people in the ghetto is much more scarier to me.

4.  Cowboys and Indians.  What else do you see on tv when they talk about Montana on the history channel? That must be very prominent in her mind.

5.  I sent her pictures of spider webs that were covered in ice.  She must think that we have cold loving spiders that can live in arctic conditions.  Not only do they weave webs on the porch but they weave webs of snow and ice.  Kind of a hybrid between a spider and yeti.  That is creepy.

6.  Weird drunk people break into your house, barf all over your bathroom and take showers while you are asleep.  Ok, that only happened to us once but it is was a very memorable happening.  It is not often that you get up to find a naked women showering in your bathroom.  We have since began to lock the door at night.