Rejection Letter

Since no one apparently feels the need to send out rejection letters (which used to be common place prior to the recession but now there are so many people looking for work employers have decided to be arse-holes and stopped providing such polite correspondence) I have created a standard template available for mass distribution.  If you would like a copy of the letter as a MS Word or Works document, pdf or OpenOffice format please let me know and I will gladly email it to you as an attachment.  Thank you and have a blessed day.

Dear Nikki (Or Whomever Else This Is Being Sent To):

Thank you for taking the time to apply for the position to work for our crappy organization.  Although we are rather sure you could perform the job with the utmost attention to detail and above and beyond all of our imaginations' desires we have decided not to hire you due to the following reason(s): *Circle the corresponding reason that the person will remain unemployed*

• You are smarter than the boss and he/she has an inferiority complex and they can not hire someone as qualified as yourself.
• This company only hires people with shitty work habits and horrible interpersonal relational skills (DMV, Tech Support Places, Hospitals, Billing Centers).
• There was a smudge on your resume and/or cover letter and we fear it may be a booger.  It grossed us out so we can not entertain the idea of hiring you since we won't touch your application materials and burned them.  We got your information from the return address on the envelope.
• There were typos in your application materials.
• There were no typos in your application materials.
• There was nothing wrong with your application materials and it made us scared that we all might have to work harder to keep up with someone that is over-qualified and rocks (such as yourself).
• We suck and we like to suck so we will stay sucky by not hiring you.
• You are too tall/short/fat/skinny/blonde/sun-burnt/curly-haired/happy/smelly/talkative/quiet/loud/       (other reason)to fit into our office dynamics.
• We only hire oompa-loompas.
• When we said we were hiring we only posted it because by law we had too.  There was already a pre-qualified candidate named the Boss's daughter/son.
• We hired your mother.
• We no longer have the funds to support this position, it was unfilled so long that we lost business and now we are closing. 
• Someone else beat you to the punch and they work for recycled paper and drink yesterday's cold coffee.  It will save money in the long run.
• Someone else applied and had sex with the human resources manager to be guaranteed a job.
• It was just fun to mess with your head, waste your time and get your hopes up.  You suck.  Kill yourself.  
• You will never find a good job unless you work for a parade and pick up poop after the horses; or work for a circus and pick up poop from the dirty elephants and dancing horses; or at the zoo and clean up poop that the gorillas throw over the fence.  You are poop.

We appreciate your interest in our company and will keep your resume on file for future positions or to make us laugh when we are bored.

Respectfully,

I.M. Fullacrap
President/Boss/Director/Shithead that didn't hire you